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to do. to see. to hear. to love

i recently read this blog post on creature comforts and it was as though someone was speaking for me. i was so impressed with the idea of “truth”. sometimes, i want to explode on the blog and say what is really going on in my head. i feel like a bit of a fake showcasing the best parts of my life. it can be overwhelming searching the internet (and i do a lot of that) hitting blog after blog full of beautiful inspiration of things i want: kids, a husband, fancy furniture, clothes, food that i wish didn’t make me fat…and then posting it all on pinterest in hopes to, what, acquire it one day? sometimes it can motivate me, sometimes it can torture me…and apparently a whole lot of other people. we aren’t alone in any of our feelings.

the truth is, i have been in one of the biggest emotionally transitional eras of my life. if that makes any sort of sense.  i use to talk about it a bit on here, hinting around to hurt or anger.  i stopped because i thought it was letting others get the best of me, i stopped for fear of not being able to move forward…and frankly i didn’t think anyone was interested in my bullshit.  this post and the amount of people that are also doing it (check the post for the list of bloggers) left me inspired to just let it out there. to let others know, life is hard sometimes, life is up and down. it is okay to acknowledge your triumphs and your failures. it is just so much more real and frankly, genuine. life aint always fun and games, and if yours is, well then i guess you won the lottery! this is not to say i am not grateful for EVERYTHING that i do have, but i am a person. and we all strive for more, have really bummer days. we identify with each other through our emotions, don’t we?

here are the things i am afraid to tell you.

 1. i am so not a girly girl. i hardly ever get manicures, pedicures, waxings. i get my haircut like once a year. i don’t color my hair, get blow outs, laser surgery. i just can’t spend the money on things like that. i just can’t. (well, occasionally i do mani/pedi’s… but i haven’t had one since decemeber and i still have some paint on my big toes from that pedi! ha!!!!) i have been too lazy to even put on eyeliner anymore.  i wear the same outfits over and over sometimes. and more often than not i am at home in leggings and a tshirt. i like to look pretty, i just take the chance it happens a bit more naturally.

2. i have to remind myself that Facebook, instagram, blogs…are people showcasing the best of their lives. sometimes, it can make me feel like a failure.  why am i not married and having babies? why am i not out having fun on the town? why am i not skinny enough? or creative enough? or funny enough?   it takes effort to remind myself, why it just doesn’t matter. i took myself off instagram, i don’t really post pictures on Facebook anymore. i use the blog for this purpose i suppose. people can choose to read it or not. it isn’t right there staring them in their face on their news feed.  i mean, occasionally it is…but i always have a guilty, strange feeling about it.

3. i never finished my bachelor’s degree.

4.i sometimes feel weird that i post so much original content on my blog. like i am exploiting myself. going back to #2. sometimes i wish i did more inspiration posts…maybe i will.

5. i am 32 years old, sometimes i still feel emotionally 25.

6.my line of work is hard. sometimes i work and sometimes don’t. that means sometimes i have money and sometimes i don’t. i am absolutely terrible at managing money. there i said it. i am working on it. i wonder if i made the right career choice? life choice? i often don’t feel successful. i often want to leave LA. i want to live in the country, or the desert.

7. i love my cat and dog so much that i hate leaving them at home. i miss them so badly sometimes, it hurts to leave.

8. i worry that i will never get married. i worry i am incapable of being in a relationship. this sucks, because i want it so bad. i want to fall madly in love. i want to have children. i also want to travel the world. ?

9. i tend to give and give and give. i am realizing i do this to make people like me or to keep the peace. and then when i feel it is not reciprocated, i get angry and hurt.

10. i use to love flying on an airplane. then one day i developed a fear of flying(a number of factors played into this). i didn’t go to one of my best friend’s weddings because i couldn’t get on the airplane.  i started having  to take a major amount of anti-anxiety pills to fly which lead me to completely pass out for the majority of the flight. (who knows what i looked like? yikes!). i didn’t stop this from letting me travel, it was just really difficult. i have been to europe twice since this began…and countless other trips. but my palms still sweat in turbulence and my heart is generally in my throat somewhere. i have to try and plan my flights to fly directly (less anxiety) and during the day (i hate flying at night).i can get super anxious the night before a trip as well.  i can get anxiety at other times too. i hate saying goodbye to my family and this often makes me anxious. i sometimes get anxious before a new job and working with new people (which is crazy because that is what my job is…all the time)

11. i have spent my life in spells of depression since i was a child.  i can get sad, i am HIGHLY SENSITIVE. it is frustrating, it is lonely. it is also, i believe, the one thing that gives me the heart and empathy that i have. it makes me creative, it makes me work harder sometimes, it makes me, me.

12.i had some falling outs with a group of friends last year and i have spent the last 4 months trying to heal from it. somehow i let myself become sooo incredibly insecure and didn’t even know who i was anymore.  i can’t even begin to go into the details of why or how. but from my end i was being accused of being selfish, depressive, not living my own life, hijacking another’s life, not happy for others, jealous, and a whole list of other things. sometimes, if it pops into my head it sinks so far down into my gut that i can immediately tear up.  we all have faults, we all do things to piss each other off, but this was somehow so much more than this. it all turned so incredibly bitter, ugly,and  immature .  i was being criticized for so many things. i felt backed into a corner, and frankly i felt if i didn’t walk away i was never going to get out of it . my side was never going to matter.  the hardest part was feeling as though i had to take all the responsibility because these “friends” were telling me who they thought i was…and it felt like they could sit there and agree with each other.   now i know, that just isn’t fair.   i know no one should do that to anyone. i would certainly never do that to anyone, certainly not how it was done to me. everything has two sides…and i have one too. i tried and tried to get them to understand that. i tried and tried to apologize for whatever i did that was so wrong to them….but this was all out of fear of loosing them.  the truth is, they were probably never friends to begin with.  sure, i had my faults, could have handled things much better than i did.  i was so desperate not to loose those friendships that i became the worst side of myself. that isn’t who i am, nor who i want to be. friendships like that, just aren’t worth it.

i somehow let this all bring me so far down that i was constantly second guessing myself in every single conversation i was having with anyone. even my mother.  was i being selfish? was i not listening? did i say the wrong thing? why was i spending so much time judging myself when i know deep down who i really am? i am compassionate, i care, i listen, and i am genuinely happy for all of my friends. i have never been a jealous person. are any of these people taking the time to assess themselves, to asses what their role was in all of this? my instinct doubts it. it seems to me once i was out of the picture, they could sit back and watch me fade away and tell themselves, they did no wrong.  and i somehow sat there for months telling myself i was the monster they made me out to be.  but i am not. i am human. sure, i was angry and i obviously let that anger show through. i had no idea how to tell these people that i was hurting, that they were hurting me because i no longer felt the support from a friendship, that i just couldn’t do it anymore, that i didn’t really understand what i did that was so wrong when we were all to blame. so i got angry.  i am sure i did my fair share of hurting. i am not trying to make myself  a martyr, but i do know how i want to be treated and that is how i treat my friends. i can honestly say that each one of my friends has something about them i don’t like or think they could work on. I DONT BRING THAT ON MYSELF TO BE THE ONE TO TELL THEM THEY NEED TO CHANGE. my approach is to give positive advice to encourage what they, yes, probably want to hear. some people say this is wrong. but who i am to tell anyone how to live their life. unless they are in an abusive relationship,a drug abuser, life threatening situation, or flat out  asking me….it is up to them. i will be there along the way one way or another.

i am not going to say that i don’t mourn these friendships. i do, a lot. i go back and forth between reminiscing about the good days and then the bad.  somehow, in these cases the bad outweigh the good.  and that breaks my heart. i sometimes long for the old days when i was part of this crowd. in a way though, that can seem bit juvenile to me. why am i longing for it? why do i need it? i don’t really know. i think for a few months i felt like these people were home. i felt like no one could hurt me. now, i feel like a fool.

i have to say trusting people is becoming a bit harder.  maybe this is a good lesson for me. i have always trusted too easily.  i actually really admired and looked up to these “friends” and i think that was why it hurt so much.  but i am trying much harder to look up to and admire myself. and it ain’t an easy battle. i still judge myself and compare. i still get so hurt over all of it and wonder if there will be a day i can forget all of it. i actually try to imagine being able to move on to a point in my life where it doenst sink so deep down.   i don’t know their sides anymore, nor am i sure i ever want to know.  i don’t think i could bare even being in the same room with any of them anymore.    i am in a phase in my life where i am most comfortable being along (i think that has to do with not trusting myself with others or not trusting others), but i also think it is good to get to know myself again. because i spent the last year and a half loosing her.

there is a way to treat your friends to love your friends. i know who those friends are now and i know the kind of friend that i am. i will never let anyone take that away from me ever again.

13. i just don’t care anymore what people are going to say about me. i can’t try and control it. not everyone is going to like me. i just need to understand that.  i don’t care that my thoughts or feelings are going to piss anyone off. i am tired of compromising myself because i am fearful of loosing people. the people that are meant to stick around, will. the people that are meant to be in my life, are and will be in the future.

14. i came home last night after a lovely evening with a girlfriend. i turned up some music really loud and had a solo dance party with head flips and all.  today, my neck and upper back are incredibly sore. i feel old.

thank you so much creature comfort and all the other bloggers out there doing this, for giving me the confidence to say whats really on my mind.

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  1. Agarimoo #
    May 21, 2012

    It’s just magical when just by being deeply honest and brave, magically all the gods and goddesses that surround us become human just like you and me. You discover that in so many cases they will say “I feel exactly the same way!!!” Thank you for sharing 🙂

  2. lostdododesigns #
    May 10, 2012

    I just want to thank you for having the guts to really say how you were feeling and for being honest. I think in this age where we are constantly being bombarded with social media letting us know how great other people’s lives are it is easy to start questioning yourself. I had a falling out with one of my good friends around a year ago and it still hurts when I think about what she said about me and the way I live my life. Shortly after that my longer term partner left me because I just wasn’t exciting enough for him anymore. It was after losing those two people from my life I realized I had to start living for myself, not others. So I found something I love and started to chase my dream. I’m happy I did because now I am part of this amazing community of ladies just putting themselves out there not caring what the world thinks. There are days were I get sad and fill that I still have a hole in me, but then I try to imagine a scab starting to heal over the wound. Sure it itches from time to time, but I’m healing.

    I truly hope you find happiness within yourself and peace of mind. Thank you for sharing.

    • May 11, 2012

      i am glad you have found something to help you! I feel the same way. it is hard to move on sometimes and forget…the good and the hurt. thanks for stopping by and for your comment!

  3. May 6, 2012

    I love this. Christine sent me here and I just finished writing this post http://www.seedifly.blogspot.mx/

    What an age we live in, bound by one beautiful thing, our imperfections! Kudos to you for such authenticity!

    • May 7, 2012

      i love it! seems to be a running theme across the board these days. perhaps, it was the full moon? ha! it is funny the things we allow ourselves to do to ourselves. the age of comparison…thank god i am not in high school anymore!!!!! thanks for reading and for your comment!

  4. jaja #
    May 6, 2012

    thank so.
    i know it’s cliche but i never really think there are other people out there who go through the same things as me. (well most of). i learned to suppress all my emotions, doubts, anger, pain. and i’m still learning how to let people in. most of the things you wrote, well, i can relate to it. and i don’t mean no disrespect, but thank you, because it makes me feel better that i’m not the only one. 🙂

    • May 7, 2012

      no disrespect at all! it is nice to know people can relate. people really aren’t that much different than one another…it is just hard to say it sometimes!

  5. May 6, 2012

    oh my! what a timely post! i just had a conversation with a friend where i whined about the anxiety i have of being behind….behind in blogging and tweeting and being original and succeeding. we talked about this being the age of comparison, where social media just creates that in many of us. you must know that your courage and rawness here has struck a chord with many and i soaked it all up. thanks for being inspiring by being you.

    • May 6, 2012

      wow! thank you!!!
      and it is so true about the age of comparison. why do we constantly subject ourselves to it? and yet i wonder what we did before all this media? i spent a bit of time in middle of nowhere new mexico and it was liberating to have no cell reception and a limited amount of time on the internet. i should just start turning off my computer at a certain point in the day.

  6. May 6, 2012

    Thanks for “putting it out there”. I think it’s so interesting that you feel weird about posting so much original content; that is because I found that when I DON’T put up original content that’s when all this comparison crap rears it’s head with me. Especially with mood boards/ wish lists/look at all this neat stuff compilations. (But the flip side is that I feel narcissistic.) But it seems those are the things [non original content] that make me start wondering why I blog anyway. And for now, I think that I blog to serve as a record of where I am, right now — how I’m spending my time, things I’m thinking about. After 4+ years of blogging, it’s funny to look back and see the path I have taken. And although I may not have spelled out just exactly what was on my mind, with each post it seems there is a little more going on behind the curtain…but it’s my reminder of what I was pondering. What I have found as the perks of blogging — finding folks that make me feel like I’m not the only lost sheep in the bunch!

    http://patternoflife.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/parting-thought-teddy-roosevelt/

    • May 6, 2012

      i know what you mean about not putting up original content. it’s like i can’t win…i will judge myself either way. but as bloggers i suppose we are exposing ourselves in many ways, and that is the choice we make. keep those things behind the curtain stirring!!

  7. Sarah #
    May 6, 2012

    I actually have a friend from school that thought you were really intimidating because you’re so beautiful, cool, and creative (sorry, that sort if sounds like im signing your yearbook). She was totally right of course, but it’s just funny how differently others view us. You are such a great friend and I’m lucky to have you. Love you!!

    • May 6, 2012

      i am lucky to have you. sarah, you are one of my all time favorite people, ever! i miss you and i love you!

  8. May 6, 2012

    This post it’s just the best I’ve ever read. Thank you! and I can totally understand you, especially for #1 and #2 🙂 I could write the same for myself! I’m maybe too shy or embarrassed to admit it and write it on a blog. So good you did it! I really enjoyed it. ps. Can’t really understand #5 as I am 25! 😛

    • May 6, 2012

      i am so glad you could relate! and when you are 32 you may or may not be able to identify with #5! ha! it is possible it is my own thing. i was naive at 25…and perhaps even now! at the same time, i wish i knew then what i know now. so,cliche!!!!

  9. Aunt Urzie #
    May 6, 2012

    Well done my sweetheart! I have found that a smile, a listening ear and the truth go a long way in this world we live in. I have been watching a life long friend battle for her life for the last 8 months. The end is near thank God..how she has suffered… and it makes me realize what is really important. Be the best you can be always. Be excellent to each other! Surround yourself with those who make you happy. I love you myhoney!!

    • May 6, 2012

      i love you too urz!!! i am sorry about your friend. miss you lots!!! thanks for your comment!

  10. May 6, 2012

    I identify with so many of the things you have mentioned! #1, 2, 7, 10, 11 especially. I grew up flying all over the place, and my anxiety is getting worse and worse as I get older. It all becomes a little more real doesn’t? The fact that you’re in a giant metal thing thousands of feet in the air flying at 500 mph (actually, I have no idea what the speed is ha) I’m starting to get more anxious around amusement rides too.

    Anyway, I love your blog and look forward to your posts 🙂

    Also, I think it’s GREAT that you have so much original content. Marianne and I def need more of it on our blog.

    • May 6, 2012

      i love your’s and marianne’s blog! it is blogs like your’s that give me the inspiration and knowledge of things out there!

      and yes, the flying thing just becomes more real. i think that was a big part of it for me…life being fragile, and the unnatural state of being in a machine in the air. strange. when it all started i definitely had issues with rides, elevators, and sometimes being a passenger in a car. i am much much better about it. it springs up sometimes and flying is still a bit difficult. but i don’t take the pills anymore and i try to remember when i loved flying. i flew a lot as a kid as well, and i still actually get excited doing a pick up at the airport. ha! it is a contradiction in my life, because i love traveling sooo much.

      thank you for reading!!! and for your comment!!!

      • May 6, 2012

        Aw thank you!

        Oh, yeah…don’t even talk to me about being in cars! If I’m not driving, I am a terrible backseat driver. I have to force myself to keep my mouth shut when I’m in the car with my boyfriend because I drive him insane. I also have recurring nightmares about being in an elevator at the top of a building and it breaking and falling. Yettttt, I still ride the elevator at work?? Haha.

  11. May 6, 2012

    You know, Ive been following your blog for a few months now, reading your recipes, loving your photographs but for some reason I haven’t left a comment.
    Maybe I was waiting for the posts of all posts… I just read it!! This resonated so much which things, feelings, that I have felt at one time or another.
    I hope putting your feelings into words has inspired and empowered you.. I’m sure this post has empowered every woman that reads it!
    Regards to falling out with friends.. If they aren’t willing or even trying to heal a rift, then they were never your friend in the first place! You’re better off without that negativity in your life.
    Lovely lovely post .. Thank youso much for bearing your soul. Thank you for being brave. Xx

    • May 6, 2012

      oh, man. your comment made me cry! thank for your supporting, understanding, identifying, for your words. i am so happy i have readers like you!

      • May 6, 2012

        Aw sorry I made you cry! Happy tears at least.. :))

    • May 6, 2012

      yes! feel good tears!!!!

  12. B #
    May 6, 2012

    Everything happens for a reason.

    Maybe you needed these friendships to end the way they did so that you could find yourself and whole-heartedly believe in yourself. How can you truely love anyone without loving yourself first?

    Life works in mysterious ways. But I have found that staying positive really does benefit the outlook on life. Especially when being 100% honest, because saying “this is me” is acknowledging your faults and recognizing the best things about yourself.

    Keep your head up! There’s always a silver lining.

    • May 6, 2012

      thank you! and i think you are right. at least it is the only logical conclusion. everything is a lesson. everything happens for a reason. positivity is a daily goal. sometimes i loose it, but i try and find it much quicker every time! thank you for reading and for your comment!

  13. May 6, 2012

    It is so refreshing to read posts where people are honest!
    And just so u know, there are more of us thinking just like you 🙂

    We are who we are…. I realised that a long time ago and told people that if they don’t like the real me, they know where the door is. If that means I have to be alone for the rest of my life, so be it! I’d rather be alone and honest than with a bunch of people and not being true to myself.

    • May 6, 2012

      it is so true. that is exactly how i feel these days. thank you for reading and for your comment!

  14. May 6, 2012

    fabulous,real, and we must be sisters!!!!!

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

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