remember when i did that post a while back, things i am afraid to tell you? i am pretty sure i have been masking my true feelings on the blog once again and it makes me feel like a fake. i have been so busy this summer, it was hard to stop and think, however, i do think i was often stopping to smell the roses, so, there is that at least. the people that know me, know that i generally dish it all out. if i am feeling something, you will know it or maybe even see it in my eyes, mannerisms, tone of voice. all in all, i think it makes me a pretty intense person. here on the blog it is easy to get lost documenting moments and never really getting to the core of how i really feel about these moments. without even realizing it, it becomes just the surface. maybe, sometimes this is ok, maybe, sometimes i just want to say it like it is. eventually, like i feel now, i wonder what truly is? this goes back to deleting myself off Facebook. do we all have an alternate world with social media? i started to question posting anything on Facebook and now i kind of feel the same way about instagram. even to the point that i would and will post something and delete it within a few minutes because i start questioning my motives. if i wasn’t getting a certain amount of likes or response it controlled how i felt about my own life. sometimes, i can feel this way on the blog. i keep getting new followers everyday…but no idea who really reads all of this. i compare my blog to others, others style, instead of celebrating my own. it takes effort to remind myself the way i create or see the world is okay, because it is my own. do i write and create this blog for myself or for others? i think it has become about both. in a way, this blog helps guide me.
i do believe this is all part of the current path and process, though. something is shifting, majorly shifting,has been for a LONG time, and it scares the shit out of me. i feel like if i don’t change something, and soon, everything will stay the same. i feel like it has for many years now. i look at my job and i actually love it. i look at my industry and i hate it. i look at my house and i love it, i look at my lifestyle and know it can’t stay this way. my friends are my family here, yet i can’t stay for that either. so, what am i staying for? i think back to the ten years here and i am floored at the idea that i stuck it out that long. how the hell did i do it? how the hell did i move from indiana at 22 years old to los angeles, ca? how did i have the balls then? how do i find them again?
i have all these urges lately. creative ones. impulsive ones. sometimes i feel like i could explode if i don’t get it out, but yet i know i am creating everyday. so, what is it i am searching for? is it a desire to compete with the art around me? is it that i am searching for something to be proud of…something i create that feels pure? do i just have some sort of creative energy bottled up? have i not been true to myself? it seems there are always other things i must take care of before i can sit down and draw, make jewelry, paint, or just write. pretty sure, that is my own fault. my own fault for putting others before myself. not prioritizing my own wants and needs.
i have this urge to connect with nature. to be one with it, to be guided by it. i have the desire to grow food from the earth, to hack my way through the wilderness, to escape to a place where my obligations are of my own and hopefully one day, a family. work, create, live. it scares me i feel this need for isolation. will it come to 5 years down the road and i have collected 5 cats and so isolated i have no social skills left? this desire has been with me since i was a child. until my neighbors moved in next door, i spent a lot of time playing by myself…outside. we had this small little wonderland of woods in our backyard and to this day i can feel the peaceful ora it created within myself. nature was my companion. she made me feel part of something, something greater than just what was. and then there was this part of me that loved movies, fashion, and hollywood. i wanted to be a part of it, to feel important, to be desirable. i think within the first year of living here, i knew it was a sham. yet, i stuck it out…for ego? to prove something to myself? and i still am fighting to let go of it.
a few weeks back at my friend’s wedding, i was talking with this guy about my desire to move to Colorado or New Mexico. he was funny and encouraging, and said he saw a book coming out of this, probably semi mocking my “eat pray love” desire! he also noted that people might not get my networking approach in Colorado. the hollywood, get ahead, what can you do for me approach? i was shocked and flattered at the same time because i never thought i had it in me, and have always attributed my lack of “success” with my inability to kiss ass and network. i actually hate playing the game, and yet from an outsiders point of view, it seems i do everyday. in that moment, i realized there might be a person inside here that i hardly even recognize. before i moved to LA, i was scared to call and order pizza. now, i am bitching out the pizza place if they are ten minutes late on delivery. so, if i have this ambition in me, why is the idea of a normal job daunting? am i lazy? am i stuck so much in creative thought that i am incapable of being that person? of being normal? i work hard, when i am passionate. i certainly don’t mind the idea of moving and getting a simple job for a bit…that will only take me so far though. then what? what will i do, and is what we/i do who we are? or is it ego? i just can’t imagine getting up and not wanting to go to work. generally, with my work now, i hardly ever feel that way. it’s hard to walk away from that feeling, yet something just isn’t right.
i have this intense desire to always travel. no news here on the blog. flying still scares me and i tend to get stressed out before a trip, but i still yearn for travel all the time. i ask myself, is the travel just about running away from something? from myself? an escape to never really committing to something or someone? my therapist(yep, my therapist) thinks i am the one who is scared to commit. to anything. she attributes this to picking the wrong men, to a job that is freelance, to travel, to wanting to leave LA. isn’t ten years a big commitment? even if i have always had one foot out the door? it seems unless i can overcome this fear of commitment, i could be stuck. yet, my desires have me daydreaming of nature, art, and love. are we not encouraged to go after our dreams? LA certainly was a dream…one that i accomplished for the most part. it turned out, just okay. so, is that what awaits me with nature, art, love? just for it to be okay? maybe. but i feel if i don’t try, how am i to know? if the opportunity(or question) is staring me in the face, how can i say no?
i have been too scared to say i am moving. on the blog, to people, to myself. scared, because what if i don’t do it? will i look like failure having let myself or others down? my desire to do something different is remarkable. my fear, is daunting…what waits on the other side? ideally, i want to rip the band aid off and just go for it. what am i waiting for? yet, timing proves to be an interesting scenario. i keep pushing it back a few months. right now, i hope for november, but i still feel this fear of not committing to it, yet that drives me crazy because i just want to rip the band aid OFF. maybe it just doesn’t seem real because i can’t fathom what it will be like. is it just a fantasy and nothing with change, because i won’t have changed? or can the simple change of lifestyle, scenery, and dreams be enough to boost something in myself? life sure is funny. here i sit scared about a life change that is my own choice. when there are others in the world, so incredibly less fortunate to even be in a position to make such a decision. i sure am spoiled…and lucky.
i want to thank donna g. and stacy for encouraging this post, without even knowing it. stacy writes with such intense emotional beauty it makes me float on air. her writing is so real and genuine, with no limitations to just letting it all be out there. donna, has recently decided to start her own blog. she tried to assure me that it would be nothing like mine, as though i would be upset. truthfully, it fully inspired me. because if i know my girl donna, it will be full of heart felt realism with an intellect only few can aspire to. the girl knows what i am thinking before i even do! these two have souls that run deep, and my friendships with them always assure my own deep desires.
i ask a lot of questions in this post, not because i am looking for others to answer them…but in hopes to answer them myself. i tend to do this with people. i talk about my shit and then advice is given and then i get angry, because really i just needed someone to listen, not fix me. writing is therapeutic. putting it out in the world can be too. until an hour from now, after i have posted it and start questioning my need to let everyone know my bullshit.
but you know…it is just okay. because this is me. the dearest beast.
big shout out to my sister julie and her husband david. they had a baby boy this morning. wesley david. he has the sweetest little face. i can’t wait to give him smooches!
thanks for reading!