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remember when i did that post a while back, things i am afraid to tell you?  i am pretty sure i have been masking my true feelings on the blog once again and it makes me feel like a fake.  i have been so busy this summer, it was hard to stop and think, however, i do think i was often stopping to smell the roses, so, there is that at least.  the people that know me, know that i generally dish it all out. if i am feeling something, you will know it or maybe even see it in my eyes, mannerisms, tone of voice. all in all, i think it makes me a pretty intense person.  here on the blog it is easy to get lost documenting moments and never really getting to the core of how i really feel about these moments. without even realizing it, it becomes just the surface. maybe, sometimes this is ok, maybe, sometimes i just want to say it like it is. eventually, like i feel now, i wonder what truly is? this goes back to deleting myself off Facebook. do we all have an alternate world with social media?  i started to question posting anything on Facebook and now i kind of feel the same way about instagram. even to the point that i would and will post something and delete it within a few minutes because i start questioning my motives. if i wasn’t getting a certain amount of likes or response it controlled how i felt about my own life.  sometimes, i can feel this way on the blog. i keep getting new followers everyday…but no idea who really reads all of this. i compare my blog to others, others style, instead of celebrating my own. it takes effort to remind myself the way i create or see the world is okay, because it is my own. do i write and create this blog for myself or for others? i think it has become about both.  in a way, this blog helps guide me.

i do believe this is all part of the current path and process, though.  something is shifting, majorly shifting,has been for a LONG time, and it scares the shit out of me.  i feel like if i don’t change something, and soon, everything will stay the same. i feel like it has for many years now. i look at my job and i actually love it.  i look at my industry and i hate it.  i look at my house and i love it, i look at my lifestyle and know it can’t stay this way. my friends are my family here, yet i can’t stay for that either. so, what am i staying for? i think back to the ten years here and i am floored at the idea that i stuck it out that long. how the hell did i do it? how the hell did i move from indiana at 22 years old to los angeles, ca? how did i have the balls then? how do i  find them again?

i have all these urges lately. creative ones. impulsive ones. sometimes i feel like i could explode if i don’t get it out, but yet i know i am creating everyday.  so, what is it i am searching for? is it a desire to compete with the art around me? is it that i am searching for something to be proud of…something i create that feels pure? do i just have some sort of creative energy bottled up? have i not been true to myself? it seems there are always other things i must take care of before i can sit down and draw, make jewelry, paint, or just write.  pretty sure, that is my own fault. my own fault for putting others before myself. not prioritizing my own wants and needs.

i have this urge to connect with nature. to be one with it, to be guided by it.  i have the desire to grow food from the earth, to hack my way through the wilderness, to escape to a place where my obligations are of my own and hopefully one day, a family. work, create, live.  it scares me i feel this need for isolation.  will it come to 5 years down the road and i have collected 5 cats and so isolated i have no social skills left? this desire has been with me since i was a child.  until my neighbors moved in next door, i spent a lot of time playing by myself…outside. we had this small little wonderland of woods in our backyard and to this day i can feel the peaceful ora it created within myself.  nature was my companion. she made me feel part of something, something greater than just what was.  and then there was this part of  me that loved movies, fashion, and hollywood.  i wanted to be a part of it, to feel important, to be desirable.  i think within the first year of living here, i knew it was a sham.  yet, i stuck it out…for ego? to prove something to myself? and i still am fighting to let go of it.

a few weeks back at my friend’s wedding, i was talking with this guy about my desire to move to Colorado or New Mexico. he was funny and encouraging, and said he saw a book coming out of this, probably semi mocking my “eat pray love” desire! he also noted that people might not get my networking approach in Colorado. the hollywood, get ahead, what can you do for me approach? i was shocked and flattered at the same time because i never thought i had it in me, and have always attributed my lack of “success” with my inability to kiss ass and network.  i actually hate playing the game, and yet from an outsiders point of view, it seems i do everyday. in that moment, i realized there might be a person inside here that i hardly even recognize.  before i moved to LA, i was scared to call and order pizza. now, i am bitching out the pizza place if they are ten minutes late on delivery. so, if i have this ambition in me, why is the idea of a normal job daunting? am i lazy? am i stuck so much in creative thought that i am incapable of being that person? of being normal? i work hard, when i am passionate.  i certainly don’t mind the idea of moving and getting a simple job for a bit…that will only take me so far though. then what? what will i do, and is what we/i do who we are? or is it ego? i just can’t imagine getting up and not wanting to go to work. generally, with my work now, i hardly ever feel that way. it’s hard to walk away from that feeling, yet something just isn’t right.

i have this intense desire to always travel. no news here on the blog.  flying still scares me and i tend to get stressed out before a trip, but i still yearn for travel all the time. i ask myself, is the travel just about running away from something? from myself? an escape to never really committing to something or someone? my therapist(yep, my therapist) thinks i am the one who is scared to commit. to anything.  she attributes this to picking the wrong men, to a job that is freelance, to travel, to wanting to leave LA. isn’t ten years a big commitment? even if i have always had one foot out the door?  it seems unless i can overcome this fear of commitment, i could be stuck. yet, my desires have me daydreaming of nature, art, and love.  are we not encouraged to go after our dreams? LA certainly was a dream…one that i accomplished for the most part. it turned out, just okay.  so, is that what awaits me with nature, art, love? just for it to be okay? maybe. but i feel if i don’t try, how am i to know? if the opportunity(or question) is staring me in the face, how can i say no?

i have been too scared to say i am moving. on the blog, to people, to myself. scared, because what if i don’t do it? will i look like failure having let myself or others down? my desire to do something different is remarkable. my fear, is daunting…what waits on the other side? ideally, i want to rip the band aid off and just go for it. what am i waiting for? yet, timing proves to be an interesting scenario.  i keep pushing it back a few months. right now, i hope for november, but i still feel this fear of not committing to it, yet that drives me crazy because i just want to rip the band aid OFF. maybe it just doesn’t seem real because i can’t fathom what it will be like. is it just a fantasy and nothing with change, because i won’t have changed? or can the simple change of lifestyle, scenery, and dreams be enough to boost something in myself?  life sure is funny. here i sit scared about a life change that is my own choice. when there are others in the world, so incredibly less fortunate to even be in a position to make such a decision. i sure am spoiled…and lucky.

i want to thank donna g. and stacy for encouraging this post, without even knowing it. stacy writes with such intense emotional beauty it makes me float on air.  her writing is so real and genuine, with no limitations to just letting it all be out there. donna, has recently decided to start her own blog. she tried to assure me that it would be nothing like mine, as though i would be upset. truthfully, it fully inspired me. because if i know my girl donna, it will be full of heart felt realism with an intellect only few can aspire to. the girl knows what i am thinking before i even do! these two have souls that run deep, and my friendships with them always assure my own deep desires.

i ask a lot of questions in this post, not because i am looking for others to answer them…but in hopes to answer them myself. i tend to do this with people. i talk about my shit and then advice is given and then i get angry, because really i just needed someone to listen, not fix me. writing is therapeutic. putting it out in the world can be too. until an hour from now, after i have posted it and start questioning my need to let everyone know my bullshit.

but you know…it is just okay. because this is me. the dearest beast.

 big shout out to my sister julie and her husband david. they had a baby boy this morning. wesley david. he has the sweetest little face. i can’t wait to give him smooches!

thanks for reading!

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aaannnddd…yet another party. i have to admit, i am a bit partied out. and yet, i have to go do another in san diego friday night. don’t get me wrong, it is great fun! especially the end result. it has been such a busy summer and i am looking forward to doing some of my own personal projects again! but here is the story of baby rose’s baby shower.

 there were 5 of us that all pitched in. i have to admit, i was a little worried how it would all come together with 5 different “visions”, and mostly because i am a control freak,  but it totally worked and was a hit! i was proud of all of us.  my friend kristin and i came up with different ideas and delegated tasks while giving freedom to create from those perimeters. i called it ponies and pigtails, however that never quite made it anywhere else past the invitation. thought it was a good name though! wink wink!

i took on the food and some decorations. for the menu, i wanted to keep it simple and on the cheaper side. what’s more simple and better than tacos? plus, we live in LA, so, tacos are like what wheaties were in the 80’s to every american household, a staple. i wanted to make it as authentic and fun as possible. we know good mexican here and i have never found it as authentic anywhere else in the country…period. you can’t  really argue that one… we practically are in mexico. okay, maybe in texas.  i hit the mexican bakery around the corner from my house and bought some of their homemade red and green salsa, stocked up on corn tortillas, cotija, and creme mexicana. i pickled some red onions. chopped up cilantro, white onion, and radish. made guac and pico de gallo. as well as homemade chipotle chicken, rajas poblanas, and shredded pot roast beef. click on the link for recipes!

we rented a few tables as i had this vision of one long table with jars down the center filled with simple flowers, not bouquets.  i bought some fabric downtown and cut the pieces into squares layering them on all the tables to bring everything together. hannah, went to the flower mart and picked out an abundance of beautiful flowers and arranged them ever so lovely in the jars. she also added some roses in honor of baby rose and other bouquets for the other tables.  i ideally wanted to keep the “baby” decorations to a minimum.  after all, this was a co-ed baby shower. the boys were great and took it all on, but i figured best to not drive em too crazy.  the only real baby thing we had was the clothesline of baby clothes.  the idea was that we would all bring clothes to hang on the line for baby rose to then keep.  we were getting down to the wire and was worried we wouldn’t get it up and wasn’t sure where to place it. i hadn’t envisioned that far ahead yet. bree chimed in and found the perfect spot right above the tables from one tree to another. it was the best spot and looked so sweet.  love this kind of team work!

i had a few of the giant balloons leftover from another party. although, one popped they were a special extra to the backyard! it happened to work out that my chalkboard menu went along with the small chalkboards bree brought for the drink table!

bree took on the beer tasting and added in a rose`, again in honor of baby rose! the party was from 3-6, therefore we decided we didn’t need to get everyone wasted. so, light drinks were served. i thought it turned out really quite cute! hannah made a rose water lemonade and cucumber/mint water. there was also a bucket of tecate to go with the good old mexican food!

kristin put together a candy table and ice cream bar! she filled apothecary jars with sweet treats from our childhood and supplied bags for people to take it all home as a favor.  she was so excited when she found the giant sugar daddy’s as kmart while we were working on a job. her enthusiasm is contagious!

the ice cream was a nice treat on a super hot day! so, many good toppings too! she got all the good stuff: chocolate and carmel sauce, whip cream, cherries, crushed candy bars, sprinkles! yum!  i want an ice cream sundae right now! i love the ice cream cones in the giant glass bowl.

matt took on the story book. i love decorating onesies, but i wanted to try something different. matt found a blank book and supplied the markers and pencils.  the idea was to create a story for baby rose, each guest taking a page and continuing the story with their own creativity and humor.  i was worried people wouldn’t get into it, but by the end of the party people were gathered around reading it out loud and coming up with new ideas. beth even took the time to make a cover! baby rose might not be able to read it until she is in her 20’s, but rebecca and greg can get a big kick out of it!

the boys were such troopers and most of them even sat through the presents being opened. all in all it was a sweet little shower. baby rose slept through the whole thing, but made out like a bandit. she will be the most stylish girl out there. lots of her mommie’s friends are wardrobe stylists!

a special special thanks to kristin, bree, hannah, matt, and of course alex for doing those odds and ends!

 

soooo….let us back track a few weeks. before the colorado road trip, my dear friends stacy and allan were hitched at the culver hotel here in los angeles.  i can honestly say it was one of the most endearing weddings i have ever been too. the words of their friends, family, and their vows to each other made me fall in love with LOVE  just that much more.  when two people like this find each other, it makes me believe it is worth the wait!

the culver hotel, located in culver city, is near culver studios (that is a whole lot of culver) which is where the wizard of oz was filmed and the munchkins stayed in the hotel while filming.  stacy and allan did a tongue and cheek podcast, but chock full of information, for the guests staying at the hotel. if you like old hollywood, take a listen! it will now turn into a regular program! i think it is brilliant!

stacy’s friend, sharon, took on the flowers and decorations for the wedding. the hotel is beautiful and charming itself, so it was just about adding a few pieces.  i helped sharon pick out some flowers at the LA flower mart, but i can’t take credit for the arrangements. that was all sharon! sharon, also came up the fabric strips sweetly draped from the banisters and the book wreaths. i think she found her new calling!

the wedding was so sweet and endearing. complete with cupcakes and dancing!

congrats stacy and allan! love you guys!

Culver Hotel Audio Tour!-1

 

this was the harvest from my garden a few weeks back. i was quite proud, even if it is a bit on the smaller side.  i feel like a kid on christmas when i walk outside and peak in my garden to actually find things growing. currently, there are some baby cucumbers that look so cute and frankly, fake. i harvested another squash a few days ago, and the basil is looking large and luscious after a bit of a trim! sadly, two of my tomato plants aren’t producing. i have tried a few things to fix this, but i will just have to learn the lesson for next year. sometimes, i dream about learning to farm and garden! just one of the many things to add to the list of what i want to be when i grow up!

i am out of town again next week for work, meaning it will be hard to blog. i have some fun posts coming up though!! stay tuned. have a great week!

I arrived back in LA yesterday from my road trip to Denver. Good lord, is the scenery stunning across this country!! The first day Wylie and I drove from LA to St George, Utah.  We stayed the night at Crescent Moon Inn, which is situated about 15-20 minutes off I-15.  I could not have picked a better place and this stay was one of my favorite parts of the trip.  The drive is short from LA to St George, and when we arrived we had some time to do a few things in the area.  The Inn is located in a housing community and the room felt more like an apartment.  It was clean, modern, and had a small stocked kitchen.  First things first, Wylie and I went on a hike on the Anasazi Trail, which was just a short distance down the street.  It was hot (I love desert heat), but incredibly beautiful.  We hiked for a while in search of petroglyphs, only to turn around because I thought we had gone too far. Turns out, after I asked someone at the bottom, we had not gone far enough. I  was bummed, but the scenery was still well worth it.  We got back to the room and I made a little dinner ( somehow I managed to NOT eat fast food the entire drive out there) and watched some of the good old Olympics.  At dusk, we sat by the lake just over a small hill from the front door and went for a dip in the pool down the street as it was getting dark.  The place was so quite, practically empty, and one of the most relaxing nights I have had in a while.  There is a small artist community down the street as well, but it was closed while we were there. All in all, I have to say the situation itself being within a community is strange, but I would stay there again in a heartbeat! My only complaint was how loud the upstairs guest was, as they woke me up at like 6am and didn’t stop making noise until 8am!

The next day was a long one in the car, but amazing.  I was in awe of how incredibly stunning the views were, especially through the swell.  (Unfortunately, I forgot my memory card at home and only had the iPhone for pictures.)Every turn my breath was taken away and  I felt like I was on a different planet. The colors would change from green,red, yellow, stone, back to red, pink,sometimes purple and onto brown and then suddenly everything is green again.

 After Grand Junction, the scenery starts to change again…into the beauty that is Colorado.  At this point, I was getting tired and a needed to stop and stretch a lot.  We hit up one rest stop in Glendwood Springs, situated right by the river which was a chocolate brown.  While Wylie and I  searched for oompa loompas, I got a call about a possible wardrobe job. Suddenly, my anxiety spikes.  Here I am sitting by this river and after hours of contemplation I had this idea in my mind about wanting to slow things down. Now, I was torn…with ambition (because I really wanted the job) and peace.  Is there a happy medium? Just one of the few questions that spiked up on the trip.

We arrive in Denver and the first night stayed with my friends Laura and Burke.  There new apartment is awesome ( and a curiosity space to come!).  The trip all in all was great.  My friends were kind enough to support me on my adventure helping me scope out areas and showing me their own. The first day we spent checking out lots of cool places in Denver. One of which was this store I am now in love with called Ironwood.  I even talked with the owner about getting my necklaces and rocks in for Holiday!  Laura took me around to some of her other favorite shops and we stopped by to see her current exhibit that is up. We went to the MCA and saw some art and had a beer on the roof…ending the evening with a walk and dinner in their old neighborhood called the Highlands. Sunday night we had dinner at Williams and Graham, a super cute speak easy type restaurant with an extensive drink list from the prohibition era. It was quite charming!

I also stayed with my friend Natalie, whom I have known for a very long time as well. She and her fiancé just recently moved to Denver, in the Broomfield area.  Nat and I drove up to check out Fort Collins one day and then went on to check out Lyons.  We decide it would be a good idea to drive up to Estes Park, but I forgot that wasn’t a good idea without any gas. I stupidly thought we would make it there, but we decided to take the scenic route. Not even half way up, I thought for sure we were going to be stranded in the mountains. The funny thing is, Natalie and I ran out of gas one time in college together. Thank god for laughter though, as much as I super duper nervous, we were laughing our asses off.  Luckily we coasted into town on fumes. Lesson learned!? I have been to Estes Park a number of times with my family. Cute little town, beautiful mountains. My parents even went on their honeymoon there!

The next day me, Laura, and Natalie took a ride up to Boulder. We went to see Laura’s studio, which I will include in the curiosity space, and then drove up to Nederland.  The drive was amazing, people were climbing rocks, playing in the river and once we got up to Nederland, a thunderstorm came to town.  On the way back down we found a spot and did a photoshoot for my necklace line and new webshop to come! This was another favorite part of the trip, getting creative in the mountains? What more could you ask for?

Natalie went with me the following day to look at a cabin outside of Boulder.  We didn’t get to go inside as we just missed the guy, but it was quite charming and kind of everything I want. It had a greenhouse, a compost toilet (outside…maybe not ideal, but), wood burning heat, mountain living all the way. I can’t stop thinking about it…but I am in limbo about my decision still.  Then we drove to Eldorado Springs, where I would live in a heartbeat….just not sure how often things become available. . So charming, quaint, beautiful and exactly what I would want!

All in all, I love Colorado. I love LA. I have a lot to think about…let’s just end it with that…for right now!

i am off to colorado today. wylie and i are doing the drive in two days. i am really looking forward to jamming out to some tunes and the scenery along I-70.  gonna be a good trip…i can feel it!

so, many fun things happened this past week. went to see a nutritionist whom kicked my butt with some reality. my dear friends stacy and allan were married this past saturday. we spent the week doing lots of wedding things: a lingerie shower. a trip to glen ivy hot springs and spa where we covered ourselves in mudd and had lotion painted on with a paint brush to then only hang out in a fragile rock cave. helped with flowers and decorations for the wedding. went to the wedding and cried my eyes out watching these two amazing people share their love.  and now i am off to take a trip to inspire something…i am not sure how or what yet, kind of banking that it will just come to me!

for now, i will leave you with this salad.

mixed greens

bacon

hard boiled egg

avacado

radish

lemon juice and zest

dill

mint

olive oil

s+p

mix all ingredients together! enjoy!

 a few weeks ago, it was super muggy and gloomy here in LA, a rare occasion here in the summer. it felt as if a southern thunderstorm was knocking on the door.  i took wylie for a walk, this time on the other side of the 101, to angelino heights.  here sit a cluster of historic victorian homes. some of which have been restored to that point that they look like doll houses, some of which are filled with creepy treasures. more often than not there is a movie shooting in this hood or tourists taking photos. i felt like i was in a different city with the humid, gloomy sky and houses that looked like they should be sitting in the deep south. i can still feel the air from that day just looking at the photos. i only had the iPhone with me (not the best shots in the world), but i had to document the sights. the best part was when some hipster girl came out to move her hearse and the living room set up behind the freeway.

i cherish these small moments of finding the unordinary…or ordinary…bits of interest.

this past weekend we did our last craft fair, renegade.  i have to say this may have been my favorite of all of them.  maybe because my expectations were low…maybe because i was glad it was the last one…maybe because it was outside.  the shoppers were full of compliments and it was just all around a fun day, not to mention how much i love eating at all the food trucks!  the co-founder of renegade, susie, even came to our booth with her husband and bought some stuff from marianne and sean and she bought one of my driftwood pieces. we talked about the midwest and escaping the city life.  always a compliment when the people that run the show notice your stuff and take the time to chat.

each show has been different. at unique LA people bought the earrings, at patchwork people bought nothing, at renegade people were really into the necklaces and my little trinket art. the last photo is of a custom order i did for a customer from unique LA…and i got another one off of that at renegade! marianne and i finally did a trade and i scored an awesome terrarium (pictured above) and some sweet air plants, like one of those really big babies!

next week, i am off to colorado for “research” on my next move in life. i have a photo shoot planned for the necklaces while i am there and am super excited! stay tuned!