my sweet lola girl passed away last night. she had been suffering from an extremely deep ulcer. on thursday i thought she was on the road to recovery. she was up and about, starting to act like herself again, and began to eat and drink more. yesterday, i knew she wasn’t feeling good again. she had been back and forth to the vet, on iv’s, had an utraound, an endoscopy, countless meds, up and downs, and i called every day with questions and worry. she was hardly eating or drinking at all. she would just sit in front of her water dish and couldn’t do anything. i had at least 6 glasses of water around the house. i didn’t know what to do for her yesterday. i was hoping it was just a bad day. i woke up at 3 am to give her some medication and once i turned the light on i realized she was laying right next to me. she didn’t look ok. she couldn’t really lift her eyes, i picked her up and she was like dead weight. i put her down to see if she could stand up and she couldn’t. i raced out of the house in my pj’s with wylie and poor lola listless in her cage to the emergency/speciality vet where lola had been treated. her red blood cell count was so low(which meant blood transfusion), and the doctor thought her ulcer had perforated. her glucose was high which she said she indication of diabetes or pancreatitis(which she had a few years ago). i had to make a decision that to date has trumped many decisions i have ever had to make. how much more could this little body go through? the doctor and nurse felt i was making the right decision. i hope that is true. i didn’t know how much more i could bare to watch her go through. i have been a nervous wreck with ups and downs of feeling like she will be ok and thinking the worst. but still the worst you can never prepare for. i just didn’t know what to do anymore and it seems neither did her body.
needless to say, i am devastated. i felt the need to write about it so soon, because i feel the need to purge. i keep thinking she will jump on the bed and lay on the pillow next to me, that she jump up on the computer table right now as i am typing and stand in front of the screen and step on the keyboard. every time i will put a glass down i will wish she was going to stick her paw in it to drink it. she was such a sweet, adorable kitty. my old vet in LA loved her and said she was her favorite kitty, everybody loved her. even here they talked about how funny and cute she was when she had to stay a few nights there. when she was younger she use to literally bounce off the walls. literally. she always had the kitten like quality. loved to play with her feather toys, she loved being outside. even her sweet face looked like that of a baby kitty girl vs. an older kitty. she was 12. i got her in college as a gift. at first i wasn’t sure i wanted another cat. i always think about that and am so glad i changed my mind. she moved with me to LA and out of LA- she was with me through it all there. she was my companion when i was sad, crying, lonely. she was my friend when i was happy and excited. i feel so bad because her last year in LA she was pretty much confined to my bedroom because of my neighbors menace dog, whom they thought it was okay to let into the yard all day long. lola was terrified of that dog. even if i shut my back door-she was stilled so scared. she hardly ever came out of the bedroom. since, we moved here she had been hanging out, exploring, happy. i felt so relieved to have gotten her out of that house. i know i talk more about wylie, post more pictures of him, but lola was my girl. i loved the way she smelled and i loved giving her kisses which she always let me do. she traveled many places with me always being a sport. to some people it might seem silly to be so devastated over the loss of an animal, but she wasn’t just an animal. she was a friend, my baby, my companion.
i sat on the couch at the vet holding lola while the doctor administered the drugs. wylie sat next to us. he gave her a bunch of sniffs. i wonder how much he understands. she passed away in my arms calmly and quickly. i sat with her for a few moments. it was so hard to look at her body and think she wasn’t there anymore, because it was still lola. i wonder where she went, did she go anywhere, is she with my other kitty ki? i will admit i am not a religious person. i grew up catholic, but have a hard time giving my faith to one idea. i don’t know if i believe in heaven. in moments like this, of course i want to, but can i do that? i want her to be free of pain and be happy. but i want her to be with me too. did we as humans make up this idea of heaven and hell to comfort us in time of death? it is the biggest thing about life. death. it never seems easy to understand. it never ceases to break hearts. do we go somewhere after our time here, or do we just fade away? i just don’t know. i want to believe that lola is in a better place. i want to know that she knows how much i love her and will miss her.
there seems to be so much death and illness in my family right now and all around. my aunt is dying of brain cancer, my mom’s aunt recently passed away, and my cousin’s little boy was recently born with heart conditions. i have friends that have been dealing with similar issues as well. this all started before i left LA. i kept thinking, when will something like this fall into my lap, someone that is so dear to me that it would be unbearable. i have been thinking a lot lately about how lola is getting older and how i would handle it. here i am, and i don’t know what to do with myself except lay in bed and write a blog post. everything is a reminder right now, and it is so hard to foresee when i won’t be so devastated anymore. i am writing this so her memory is forever out there and with me. i give love to all my family members and anyone i know or don’t know whom has had a rough time lately in the past or in the future with sickness and death.
rest in peace my sweet lola girl. i love you so much.