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to do. to see. to hear. to love

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my sweet lola girl passed away last night. she had been suffering from an extremely deep ulcer. on thursday i thought she was on the road to recovery. she was up and about, starting to act like herself again, and began to eat and drink more. yesterday, i knew she wasn’t feeling good again. she had been back and forth to the vet, on iv’s, had an utraound, an endoscopy, countless  meds, up and downs, and i called every day with questions and worry. she  was hardly eating or drinking at all. she would just sit in front of her water dish and couldn’t do anything. i had at least 6 glasses of water around the house.  i didn’t know what to do for her yesterday. i was hoping it was just a bad day. i woke up at 3 am to give her some medication and once i turned the light on i realized she was laying right next to me. she didn’t look ok. she couldn’t really lift her eyes, i picked her up and she was like dead weight. i put her down to see if she could stand up and she couldn’t. i raced out of the house in my pj’s with wylie and poor lola listless in her cage to the emergency/speciality vet where lola had been treated. her red blood cell count was so low(which meant blood transfusion), and the doctor thought her ulcer had perforated. her glucose was high which she said she indication of diabetes or pancreatitis(which she had a few years ago). i had to make a decision that to date has trumped many decisions i have ever had to make. how much more could this little body go through? the doctor and nurse felt i was making the right decision. i hope that is true. i didn’t know how much more i could bare to watch her go through. i have been a nervous wreck with ups and downs of feeling like she will be ok and thinking the worst. but still the worst you can never prepare for. i just didn’t know what to do anymore and it seems neither did her body.

needless to say, i am devastated. i felt the need to write about it so soon, because i feel the need to purge. i keep thinking she will jump on the bed and lay on the pillow next to me, that she jump up on the computer table right now as i am typing and stand in front of the screen and step on the keyboard. every time i will put a glass down i will wish she was going to stick her paw in it to drink it. she was such a sweet, adorable kitty. my old vet in LA loved her and said she was her favorite kitty, everybody loved her. even here they talked about how funny and cute she was when she had to stay a few nights there. when she was younger she use to literally bounce off the walls. literally. she always had the kitten like quality. loved to play with her feather toys, she loved being outside. even her sweet face looked like that of a baby kitty girl vs. an older kitty. she was 12. i got her in college as a gift. at first i wasn’t sure i wanted another cat. i always think about that and am so glad i changed my mind. she moved with me to LA and out of LA- she was with me through it all there. she was my companion when i was sad, crying, lonely. she was my friend when i was happy and excited. i feel so bad because her last year in LA she was pretty much confined to my bedroom because of my neighbors menace dog, whom they thought it was okay to let into the yard all day long. lola was terrified of that dog. even if i shut my back door-she was stilled so scared. she hardly ever came out of the bedroom.  since, we moved here she had been hanging out, exploring, happy. i felt so relieved to have gotten her out of that house.  i  know i talk more about wylie, post more pictures of him, but lola was my girl. i loved the way she smelled and i loved giving her kisses which she always let me do. she traveled many places with me always being a sport. to some people it might seem silly to be so devastated over the loss of an animal, but she wasn’t just an animal. she was a friend, my baby, my companion.

i sat on the couch at the vet holding lola while the doctor administered the drugs. wylie sat next to us. he gave her a bunch of sniffs. i wonder how much he understands. she passed away in my arms calmly and quickly. i sat with her for a few moments. it was so hard to look at her body and think she wasn’t there anymore, because it was still lola. i wonder where she went, did she go anywhere, is she with my other kitty ki? i will admit i am not a religious person. i grew up catholic, but have a hard time giving my faith to one idea. i don’t know if i believe in heaven. in moments like this, of course i want to, but can i do that? i want her to be free of pain and be happy. but i want her to be with me too. did we as humans make up this idea of heaven and hell to comfort us in time of death? it is the biggest thing about life. death. it never seems easy to understand. it never ceases to break hearts. do we go somewhere after our time here, or do we just fade away? i just don’t know. i want to believe that lola is in a better place. i want to know that she knows how much i love her and will miss her.

there seems to be so much death and illness in my family right now and all around. my aunt is dying of brain cancer, my mom’s aunt recently passed away, and my cousin’s little boy was recently born with heart conditions. i have friends that have been dealing with similar issues as well. this all started before i left LA. i kept thinking, when will something like this fall into my lap, someone that is so dear to me that it would be unbearable. i have been thinking a lot lately about how lola is getting older and how i would handle it. here i am, and i don’t know what to do with myself except lay in bed and write a blog post. everything is a reminder right now, and it is so hard to foresee when i won’t be so devastated anymore.  i am writing this  so her memory is forever out there and with me. i give love to all my family members and anyone i know or don’t know whom has had a rough time lately in the past or in the future with sickness and death.

rest in peace my sweet lola girl. i love you so much.

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  1. December 18, 2012

    Dear One, I know your pain. Miss Kitty, my muse and love left this life in May 2011 and I still have moments of ache. My utter condolence to you. Allow yourself to ache, mourn, weep, yet know that Lola had the best possible life with you and she adored you. You were kind to walk her to her end, and she will always be with you. Speak to her now, openly, whenever you think of her. Place her photos in comforting places around your home/office. She remains with you…ALWAYS. If you care to read my blog about my loss of Miss Kitty, it is under the drop down menu on my blog entitled “the thing about profound loss” or death of a pet. Lola is nudging you and loving you from the spirit world. Be comforted in knowing you gave her the best possible life.

    • December 18, 2012

      thank you for all your words. i do talk to her. i have already thought about making a shrine. i will read your blog. it is comforting to hear others stories. thank you again!

  2. December 17, 2012

    I know how you feel… This made me cry my cat passed this year too. My dad says our neighbors killed him. I’m sorry

    • December 18, 2012

      oh, im so sorry for your loss. thank you for your comment.

  3. December 17, 2012

    I can’t like this post, I know how hard this time for you is. I had to do the same with my old girl this spring, and a few years ago my not-so-old girl woke us up in teh middle of hte night having had some kind of stroke. We made the pajama clad middle of the night run to the emergency vet as well, with the same results These cats grab our hearts and hang on tight. It is so hard when they can’t talk to tell us what is going on.

    • December 18, 2012

      thank you for your comment. it is comforting knowing we all go through this stuff at some point. i am sorry about your babies. truly.

      • December 18, 2012

        thanks very much. You know, we always have their memories in our hearts – and face it, their fur on or clothes!

  4. Rebecca Mummert #
    December 16, 2012

    Sweet Annie – I’m so sorry about your Lola. I’ll be praying for you and her. What a blessed kitty to be so loved and well taken care of for her whole life!!

    Sent from my iPhone

  5. At Home With Cat #
    December 16, 2012

    I am so sorry! It is hard to lose a loved one. Over the years, we have had to say goodbye to our beloved pets. I still think of them often and believe they are still with me when I do. 🙂 Gentle cyber hugs to you and Wylie.

    • December 16, 2012

      thank you so much. it is the hardest. i will take that cyber hug for me and wylie!

  6. December 16, 2012

    So sorry about lola.it cant be easy. I have a cat too n would be devastated if anything happened to him.hope u recover .

  7. December 16, 2012

    Our kitties are our fur babies. They are part of us. When they are ill, we are too. Lola was a very special kitty to have a Mom who loved her and cared for her. She will be part of you forever — no matter where she is. Give yourself a big hug.

  8. December 15, 2012

    Sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet Lola.

  9. December 15, 2012

    So sorry for your loss, she looks like such a sweetheart ❤

    • December 15, 2012

      she really was. such a special girl. thank you for your comment!

  10. December 15, 2012

    so sorry to heAr that…I had 2 cats…I still miss them every day…I cannot imagine what you are throwing throw

  11. KRosKlutter #
    December 15, 2012

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I have a cat that is 12 and is my baby as well. Please don’t feel like ppl don’t think it doesn’t matter because its an animal. Animals are special creatures just like humans all the same and loss is loss. Love is the same for both. I hope with each day your pain grows less and less.

    • December 15, 2012

      thank you so much for your words, kindness, and understanding. it means a lot!

  12. December 15, 2012

    This post made me cry. I feel for you, it must have been the hardest decision to make.

    • December 15, 2012

      thank you…so much. the fact that i made you cry, makes me cry.

  13. December 15, 2012

    My cat passed away last week too 😦 she was very poorly and my Mum decided she shouldn’t suffer anymore. I was so upset x my heart goes out to you too x

    • December 15, 2012

      i am so sorry for your loss too. its just the worst. soon, we will be feeling better. thank you much for your comment.

  14. December 15, 2012

    Oh man, it’s so hard to lose an animal. They’re so full of unconditional love and trust and they’re an integral part of the family. It’s an enormous understatement to say that it’s difficult to be the one who has to make the hard decisions. I’m really sorry for your loss.

    • December 15, 2012

      thank you. its so true that they are full of unconditional love and trust. its really the best love you can ask for. thank you again. all these comments really help.

  15. December 15, 2012

    i simply cannot imagine being in your shoes, but knowing that our pup G is really still a puppy, i still get anxiety at the thought of losing him one day. i completely understand that a pet is so much more than, well, a pet—they are a companion, a partner, and an exhibition of unconditional love. i’m so sorry for your loss and for having to make such a difficult decision…how wonderful that you and lola had one another for so many years.

    • December 15, 2012

      thank you so much for your comment. i think about it with my wylie boy too. he is only 2. just knowing that people understand and have the same fears and emotions is helpful. thank yo.

  16. Julie #
    December 15, 2012

    Love you. I know you are hurting. Can’t wait for you to come home so I can hold you. Lola had the best mommy ever! She was one lucky cat!

  17. amanda mae #
    December 15, 2012

    Oh Annie I know how much you love her and your other kitty for that matter. I like to believe that our lost loved ones are looking over us. I believe that your two cute kitties are somewhere together looking over you.
    I wish I could give you a big hug. I love you.
    With tears in my eyes, Amanda

    • December 15, 2012

      i love you amanda. thank you for your words. really. i can’t wait to see you in a few weeks. it will be much help to the healing process. i love you.

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