i admit, that i have been deeply missing LA. i miss my old house, my old kitchen, my old backyard. i miss my friends. i miss the daily things i use to do there like hikes, errands, and the farmers market. i miss the restaurants. i miss the light. i miss the palm trees and the sunny weather.i miss my garden. i miss lola, her home was in LA, essentially.
this was inevitable though, right? i have only been back a week. i choose to isolate myself to a degree for some sort of reason, and those reasons are now staring me in the face. if anything, in the end of this process, i will have come out learning a whole lot about myself…i suppose that was the whole point to begin with. i often have a hard time with change, but i have often found myself making it be. i have some sort of obsession with challenging myself…in certain areas that is, but then at times it just seems to easy to give up.
there are many things to get use to here. for example: having a septic tank, driving my trash to a dump, reminding myself i am not driving in LA and to slow down and not use my middle finger, satellite internet (the worst of it all), lack of city life and social outlet, no year round farmers markets, having to shop at a regular grocery store (i am a snob). people don’t dress up a whole lot here. the uniform generally consists of patagonia’s and hiking gear. everyone drives a subaru outback and seems to have at least 3 outdoor hobbies. all in all, it is just different.
the saving grace, right now, besides my few friends, is the scenery. i do love taking the road out to my house and the mountains being so close i can touch them. the horses i see from my windows or when i go get my mail. sitting on the back porch listening to the river melt it’s ice away. the other day i took a walk outside my front door and to my surprise, my breath was taken away. i couldn’t believe these views were just a walk down the road. wylie and i went to the end of my road and up the next, to which a reservoir sits. it was a beautiful sunny day and the air was just starting to warm up again.
this moment, was the reason i moved here. to explore a different surrounding, to challenge myself in hopes to learn more about what it is i want out of this world and who i want to be. i think my struggle begins with shedding who i was in LA to a degree. or trying to find some sort of balance of how to keep her and build on becoming a better person and figure out whats really important in life. there is a lot of ego involved in all of this, as i am finding out.
a friend in chicago reminded me to enjoy this experience because not many people get to do something like this. at the end of the day, i put myself here…for some reason(S) that i am still searching for. it’s all part of the journey.