the time has come to make a big decision. do i stay in the cabin, or do i go? i have two days to make up my mind. yesterday morning i was completely ready to leave and embark on new adventures. in fact, i was excited. then after the rain cleared yesterday evening, i took a walk around the property and i started second guessing my decision. how do i leave this place, this dream i have had for so long? the things that are growing around these parts that i get so incredibly excited about, the sage i discovered and have been harvesting (both two posts to come!). the smells, the scenery, the horses, the ranch, the neighbors, just the sheer fact of living in the mountains. it has humbled me, it has allowed me to stop and appreciate all that i am, all that i have. i have learned to appreciate all these things on my own with no one to share it with, except you- my readers. i have developed this sense of peace that i have longed for since i was a little girl. i loved playing camp outside as a kid, pretending to live off the land. though, i am far from that in many ways, in other ways the land is presenting itself naturally and i merely get to enjoy it! the apple trees, the mushrooms, the grapes, the flowers, even my own garden. it has been a dream come true. every day i am continually surprised by something new this land can offer.
but then, there is the loneliness that can subside. at times, i feel utterly trapped and alone, at others i feel perfectly content. in some ways i feel less lonely than i did in LA, and at times i wish i had a group of friends to invite over for a big feast. everyone is too far away to make those commitments, even my friends in denver. sometimes, i will go do things on my own, other times i find myself hesitant and without motivation. i moved here to heal from many wounds, i came here because i dreamt of it. but do i want to continue this alone? or do i move on to seek the partner and family i desire knowing that one day i can come back to this life? i have a hard time letting go, clearly, and if you know me or have kept up with my blog, you already know that. it took me a while to let go of LA and at times i still miss it. i suppose i am scared i won’t find myself back in this peace again. that i won’t find a cabin or house with this much to offer. do i let go and set off with a bang? with great memories vs. the staggering dread of winter? i went back and reread all my old posts of the colorado adventure, and more often than not i was talking about how much i missed my friends, having a life, but how beautiful this place is. at what point am i willing to trader these things?
if i renew for another six months, i worry i will feel trapped come winter. it was beautiful, but it was isolating. if i had snow shoes, perhaps i would set out more. 🙂 i regret not signing that year lease now, that my dad tried to convince me of. i am sad if i leave by september 1 i won’t get to see the leaves change. i won’t get to eat the apples or taste the grapes, or perhaps see a bear. i have been waiting to see one for a long time! however, if i leave at the end of the month, i take the opportunity for travels. to either move to denver or put my stuff in storage and be a nomad until i figure out where i want to be. truth be told though, i actually really like colorado. i can’t think of a big reason to leave the state. denver would allow me ways to grow as an artist, make new friends, and perhaps find better dates than the country. i can always rent a cabin for the weekend, right? yet, i am still not ready to fully commit to it. changing again feels a little daunting. being a nomad however, well, it’s kind of like home to me. consistency is something i struggle the most with. plus, there is the struggle of inbetween travels- base camp would be my parents basement. it wouldn’t be my home where i am surrounded by the things that inspire me. there wouldn’t be any more posts about the property, though maybe there are so many photos i can post of the river anyway. and i suppose who knows what kinds of posts are to come. right?
i am the worst decision maker sometimes, well, most of the time. it took me 5 years to decide to leave LA. even though i knew this decision was coming, i still feels so rushed. i think i have just been waiting for a sign, yet, it hasn’t really showed itself. i believe in many ways, it is time to move on. an adventure of a lifetime, better therapy then a therapist, and left with a heart full of appreciation to carry on. i suppose it has done it’s job, perhaps even run it’s course for the time being. i just don’t know. i have less than 72 hours to figure it out.
it is so green again on the grounds. it has been raining a lot!! i started thinking about nature’s transition along with mine. it had been 10 years since i lived in a true 4 seasons (which was the name of the subdivision i grew up in indiana). though, i arrived just after fall was ending, when i first looked at the property in ocotber the leaves were changing. so, in a way, it is full circle, even if it has only been about 8 months- 9 if i move out end of august. 9 months- the time frame we associate with giving birth. maybe i am about to. maybe i already have.
i started thinking about the land and how much it transforms. how, almost weekly i take the same walks around the property and am still finding beauty in the landscape, in the way she changes. i decided to compare the photos i have taken over the last several months. seasons truly are something to be astonished by, to be inspired by, to appreciate. the magic of nature is always there, forever evolving and shaping itself.
i reckon the next time i post, the decision will have been made. and at the end of the day, if this is the biggest decision i have to make, well, i am doing pretty good, right? regardless, i feel like the luckiest to have spent this time here. sometimes, i wish i didn’t think so damn much.