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i keep waiting to feel better, for everything to feel the same before it did on Tuesday evening. there have been moments when i hear a song, watch a familiar tv show, hear a dear friend’s voice and everything feels normal. then it sinks in and everything feels tainted again, like nothing will ever be the same. 

the days leading up the election i was 100% positive clinton would win, as many of us were. for the record, i voted for bernie, but was just as happy to cast my vote for Hillary. to me this election was about love vs. hate. i left telling my friends and truly believed “there aren’t that many assholes in america” i feel so naive. the night of the election i called my mom pretty early on…she admitted it didn’t look good, there were multiple phone calls that evening with her and somewhere in there i started to cry. she told me not to, that everything would be ok, i felt silly for a moment. coming from a woman that has lived through the era’s she has, i thought, ok, i am over reacting, it is just the presidency, someone out there will protect us. the night went on and friends started texting, in shock. i knew it was over. i took wylie out for a walk and bumped into neighbors on the street, all of us in disbelief. what the fuck was happening? i couldn’t handle it anymore and i knew i had to get up early to go to work. i thought if i turned the tv off, i could shut it all out and maybe wake up with good news. i was fooling myself. i couldn’t sleep.  i tossed and turned, checked my phone over and over. i literally had a nightmare (about trump and being sexually assaulted)… i got maybe 2 hours of sleep. i woke up super early to be on set for a campaign. i couldn’t brush my teeth without gagging, the results were in.

that Wednesday was such a dreary day in NYC. we were shooting at a loft in Brooklyn a few floors up above the concrete jungle. many of my jobs are often working with new people, but luckily in my industry the majority of us think alike. having to constantly meet new people and work together with new people not knowing them sets you up for a great deal of respect for anybody regardless of their “anything”. within a few minutes i couldn’t help myself. i walked over to the hair and make up team to ask how they were doing. the lead makeup artist hugged me. i had never met her before. a while later she told some of us one of the guys on the crew voted for trump and was boasting about it. i spent the rest of the day trying to figure out who he was. i assumed it was the only guy in a good mood that day and wearing something that resembled a duck dynasty bandana around his head. ( i admit this is just as bad as any form of racism)

it wasn’t my best day of work. i was distracted, it seemed everyone was. i was going through the motions, but i had yet to really understand what i was feeling, except gross and horribly sad and defeated. we went to the catering truck parked on flushing avenue in the middle of the largest Hasidic jewish community in the country. this is a community that segregates themselves in the middle of the biggest city in the USA. i wanted to hug them and ask them how they felt about the election, wondering if it is even phased them living in their bubble, but so reminiscent of what their culture has been through. the sweet girl from Oregon renting out my extra room told me her office let people go home early. what election has left people so utterly depressed and scared? how can that not be accounted for? i couldn’t wait for the day to be over so i could go home and cry and read the Facebook posts looking for others that felt just as bad as me.

….and it certainly wasn’t hard to find those people. i called my mom on my way home and she admitted she was a  mess all day. when she had told me to not cry the night before, she said didn’t realize how much this would actually affect her. we both cried together miles apart on the phone for everything that was just lost.

i slip into my bed from sheer exhaustion and hopes of escaping my dreary mindset. the following morning on my way to work, i call a dear friend that always has good insight and a positive approach, looking for intellectual comfort. she answers the phone….she tells me she is the middle of meditating to try and release all her anxiety over the election. i start crying and i literally couldn’t get any words out. i think that was the first time in my life i was literally speechless. it is deeply sinking in how much this is affecting people, and that is so overwhelming. if the friend i was calling to lean on, was feeling as scared as me, this just makes it all the more real and terrifying. we both admitted to each other that we were trying to identify who might have voted for trump at work. and both admitted this is just as bad as the racism on the right. but i somehow do not think those with racism on the right are feeling bad about their racism.

i spent the day in new jersey doing returns for a job. this is new york suburbia. rich, minorities, everything you could think of. i relished in it that day. i looked people in the eye whose skin color was different than mine, whose sexual orientation was different than mine, for every women and little girl that just lost the biggest symbolism of our lives and i mourned. i mourned so deeply. i wanted to tell them, i am not what you think i am, i am with you.

on my way home from work that day, i call another dear friend out in LA, again looking for some reassurance that maybe, just maybe i am overreacting. but the response is the same. the heartbreak is the same. as i drive through manhattan and she on the streets of LA, we console in each other  looking for answers in how this could have happened. a few days later she and her husband took their kids to the march in LA. when i saw a comment her husband made on Facebook about how hard the week has been, i melted.

Friday, started to feel a little better. the kids in the building upstairs share their stories on the protests in manhattan they attended. i was so proud of them. i pull myself together for a few hours of work. i get off early, thank god, and i try to have some normalcy and watch a little tv. or rather the chelsea handler episode with Barbara boxer which left me in tears. i highly suggest you watch it.

yesterday, at the store 90% of the customers that came through mentioned the election in some sort of way. yes, i live in Brooklyn. yes, the overwhelming majority here celebrates each other’s differences,i really don’t have to guess what people are thinking or feeling.  but the people that struck me the most were the man and woman from Canada. when she told me they were Canadian, i replied “well, you are certainly here at an interesting time”. her reply was ” we probably won’t be coming back soon”. without trying to assume anything , ” i asked why, ” thinking maybe they came often, but were too busy these days. BUT the man replied ” because i am muslim”. i replied “i am so so sorry” i was so embarrassed. i was so ashamed, i could barely look at him, i started to cry.

it is Sunday. we are now on 5 days since the election. i keep waiting for this feeling to go away. i keep waiting for everything to go back to normal and that we somehow all move on. everything looks different now, the future looks bleek and ugly.   but i realize, i don’t want life to go back to normal…because the moment it does, is the moment we have accepted the consequences of the ignorance we have all created on both sides. when i see a post on facebook or instagram that isn’t centered around the election or something from apartment therapy about how to declutter my house, i actually get fired up…i get scared that we are loosing site and letting go of what we need to accomplish. right now, nothing else feels important. it overwhelms me in the best way and worst how many people feel the way i do. i am not just posting pro-choice propaganda that nobody pays attention too…. we are all doing something together for the first time, possibly in my entire life. everything has changed, everything is in jeopardy, everything in on the line. i have never felt closer to the people in my life, to the people that share the same values as me. it is the most powerful thing i think i have ever felt.

i am not willing to just sit back and accept trump, and frankly, am disappointed in people that say we should just accept it, at least from those coming the left. i admit it makes me question your you just a little bit.  i have been sitting back letting everything be as it is since Obama got elected in 2008. i volunteered back then, i was so passionate about getting him elected. i remember thinking when Hillary was running against him, america just isn’t ready for a female president. (clearly,  we still aren’t.)  since then, i have sat back in my joyous comfort of the liberal side shaping the things i see fit for our society. my beautiful gay friends have the right to marry, healthcare is more accessible to all, my friends that thought i was the devil for smoking pot in college are suddenly curious to try it, the right to choose is still a right, a global climate change plan is set into place, seeing anything about the obama’s just makes me giddy,  and a female candidate is coming to fruition.  true that things were and are not perfect. black people are getting shot by police, apparently- a white working class majority was being ignored, and racism was hiding in the depths of every corner of america. i have been naive to all of it. i truly did not think trump could win. i truly thought i could sit back and watch this election from my couch and Hillary would be in the Whitehouse. there were many times i asked myself why i wasn’t out volunteering…looking back now i see i was complacent. i thought no harm could undo what now feels like 8 golden years.

today, in hindsight, i see where i went wrong. i see that i took for granted the beautiful society that was taking shape and didn’t even realize it could all be ripped away like taking candy from a child’s hand.  i thought being an american meant never having to be fearful of your government or even members of your family. i thought freedom was pure and just.

the politicians keep urging everyone to come together, to listen to each other, to understand. i am truly sad for those that feel they have no place in the last administration. i feel terrible for the families that are struggling and worried their jobs are on the line, i feel accountable that the democratic party was ignoring them while more than likely catering to the likes of myself.

i do not feel terrible for the people that discriminate. for those that vote on their personal religion. for those that have used this election to to unleash their racism and did. i do not feel terrible for the members of my mother’s extended family that did not want to invite their transgender cousin to the family reunion and insisted that if she did come they did want to sit near her. i do not feel terrible for the people that claim abortion is wrong in the name of the lord, but don’t want to help refugee families fleeing from drug and religious wars. i do not feel terrible for the mother with two children that rely on government healthcare for disabilities, but they voted against Obamacare.

in fact, i condemn those people. i admit, i want nothing to do with them and i have no idea how to reconcile any of our ideology. i judge them as much as they judge me. i admit i don’t know how to overcome this.  i don’t know how to accept these differences.

i am sad for the little girls that woke up Wednesday morning and cried. i am sad they will remember this deeply for along time to come and how sad their parents were. i am sad that we as women lost a huge part of history and triumph for our gender. i am sad to think about the discrimination their generation may be left to fight. i am sad for the girls that will be sexually assaulted. i am sad for my niece that was adopted from Guatemala and my nephew that is half back and live in the burbs of st louis, are surrounded by racism. the kids at isa’s school were shouting out for trump. i can’t imagine what her thoughts were or what my sister must have felt trying to explain it to her daughter.

i keep trying to understand the amount of grief that is being processed around the country and world. is this how people felt when JFK was shot? is this what the days after 9/11 felt like? (i can only remember that day- the days after are a blur and there was no social media to continue it along. i was 21, but that was so damn long ago) how is it possible that we all have pits in our stomaches for the past week and how an this be right?

i have been trying to understand and sympathize with the people that voted for this man, some of which may or may not include some extended family and distant friends,like many of us. i have been trying to read and watch articles and news i would not normally part take in to better understand how these people were hurting enough to overlook all the racism. i have been trying to understand why people care enough about what someone’s skin color is, whom they have sex with, what gender they want to be, what a woman does with her body, or their need to dominate the opposite sex, or forgetting the shear fact that their ancestors also immigrated to america. how they can’t see everyone should have access to healthcare, that climate change is real, that at the end of the day we all have beating hearts, lungs that breath, blood that flows, that we are not that different after all. people are so afraid of what is different than them…and it is something i will never understand.

this Facebook group popped up in my feed because of a friend and i went to check it out. @chicksontheright. i was astonished by the awful,hurtful comments. those on the right are not any closer to coming together and i am not sure i am either. i hate to admit that, but after reading all of this negativity it is hard for me to have faith in beliefs so angry and heartless. i have been a part of 👖 pantsuit nation now for not even a week and the amount of love pouring, i mean pouring out of the group has been so inspiring. we are not trying to spread hate, but love and basic human rights. 

i am terrified of the hate, as are many many people. i am terrified of all the just and good that is being threatened to be undone. i am terrified of my government, and as an american i thought that meant never having to be terrified. if we can have open discussions with each other on why it is those that voted for this man felt the need to do so with honest answers not centered around religion or hatred, then i am open to listening. but if this part of the population will continue to discriminate, make fun of people’s lives and hearts, and laugh and ridicule the first amendment right of the protestors(after their candidate threatened to do the same), then no. i am not open for discussion.

i think one of the biggest things i have been contemplating is the amount of people that feel the same way. when the whole world is panicking for because of about 25% of the population of america, something is wrong with the system. now that we approach day 5 this morning and we still can’t shake this feeling. and dear friends, please please don’t let this feeling slip you. don’t stop fighting for what is right. don’t stop believing that we can make a difference and that all is not lost.  we can not know what is to come, but i do think this could be the most vital time in our lives and a chance to really make a difference.

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well, folks….another year has gone by and i haven’t posted one thing here on the old blog. i have thought about it, i just never actually did it. but the good news is, i have simply been too busy!

so remember when i said i was going to move back to LA, yeah, that was a joke. something just said no way, not right now. one day it dawned on me, things are going well, why not go do something you have always wanted to do- live in NYC. so, i did it. here i am, a few months later and life in a way is more simple then ever. while i miss california sunshine like a person in the desert without water, and hiking, i miss hiking…NY is incredibly independent and invigorating.  i smile when walking around the city when i think to myself, i actually did it and i never thought i would be able to. that is a pretty damn good feeling. i love being on foot and having every single thing i could possibly want at my fingertips. i still spend most nights on my new couch with roku and wylie, but i attribute that to my age and being single. nothing wrong with that! i also have my groceries delivered, drop off my laundry, and have a sever amazon prime addiction. these are just some of the many beauties of living in the big apple, or brooklyn rather.

the jewelry line has taken off this year. Free People has been buying up a storm! this has allowed me to venture into new mediums and will be launching metal pieces for spring as well as some candles. (very excited about this!). for now, there are some great little herbal kits up in the shop that are perfect for holiday gifts. also offering FREE SHIPPING until december 18! get it while it’s hot!

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a few things from this year:

  1. wylie is still the cutest dog there is.Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset

     

     

  2. my house was on apartment therapy a few weeks ago!
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  3. check out some of the pieces from sun + glory for sale over on free peopleunnamed-1
  4. FREE SHIPPING UNTIL DECEMBER 1Screen Shot 2015-12-07 at 7.59.17 PM

5. and finally, the world feels like a crazy place these days. while many of us live easy lives compared to many in the world, i personally can’t help but to feel overwhelmed with all the bad things that seem to be happening. i read the news daily, i feel it is my duty as a privilege person to understand what is happening in this world. at times, this can get me down, mostly because of the lack of people who don’t seem to realize how fast this can spiral down and one day become a personal experience. i want to run away from the influences and be ignorant, but that is exactly how we get in these places in the first place. i urge you to be informed, to be open, to be understanding, to put yourself in others shoes…regardless of their race, religion, sexual orientation, or species even. find something to fight for and be passionate about. even if it is just spreading the word.

hug the ones that are the closest and even the ones that are not worthy. wake up everyday and tell yourself why you are lucky. trust me, it works. and most importantly have a safe and very merry christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever holiday you may or may not celebrate. we are all earthlings on this earth living together in search of love, peace, and happiness.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.41.04 PMwhere do i begin? how do i start? will picking up blogging again be kind of like picking up a bike again? let’s see…

2014 was the the strangest, most unexpected year i could never have foreseen or frankly, asked for. it has been a peaceful year full of travel and love, but also with a total feeling of self displacement. it’s true, all my stuff still sits locked up in a storage unit somewhere off I-25 in Colorado.  the rest of me and my stuff reside at my parents house- not where i saw myself at 34, but there could be much worse things in life. at the time i made the decision to come here, i thought it would be for a few months to get through the holidays and  to figure out where to go after the cabin. and then time just happened.  turns out that wasn’t the real reason i couldn’t figure out where to go…it was fear and the unknown. fear of the past and the future so all i had to keep me standing up was the present and avoiding the future like the plague.

in-between many trips and a few short lived  months in a sub-lease in chicago, i have spent my time here with my family (sans my bro and his family in olympia, wa). sometimes i want to pull my hair out of my head from boredom, sometimes i simply don’t feel like myself, sometimes i feel completely content and loved. in-between working on the sun + glory line (which has been great) i have taught my mom how to binge watch tv shows like orange is the new black or the mindy project . i am now well versed in modern television programming thanks to roku and time. i have eaten more fast food and beef in the last year than i did in ten years living in LA. i have gained at least 10 lbs and i recently noticed a small double chin creeping up- oh, the horror- who am i?  i still work out, but i am simply not as busy as i was in my normal life which allotted me to skip meals (now i have added in a few extra ones) nor do i have any sort of dating excitement to keep me on par. ok ok, enough excuses, i have made my own bed, and i am lying in it. it’s gonna be ok.

but all in all, to have this time with my family has and will be invaluable. after living across the country for my adult life, i was so far removed from their life here and vice versa. i felt like a stranger when i came home, with little to relate on.  i feel closer to them than i have in years and frankly, how can that be so wrong? i can pick on a whim and go to my sisters’ houses and start up a game of life with my nieces and nephews. i have been present for birthday parties, backyard soccer games, ice cream in the swimming pool.  there is beauty in the simplicity of it all and i find myself often wondering what if i choose this life,  or why didn’t i choose this life? sometimes i wish i could, but i don’t think i can. not right now anyway.

i wouldn’t take any of this time back, not just because that is impossible, but because i have never been able to regret. one thing i can honestly say i am proud of. because it has been a year of reflection, of growth, of contemplation, of travel. it hasn’t been overly exciting or inspirational (like the cabin was), hence, my lack of blogging, but it has been a year of self reflection of what i want in life and the sheer notion that you have to work for that. i am ready to work for it!  i will turn 35 and i plan to wear it like a badge of honor. it’s gonna be all about ME!

so, why am i blogging now? well, i don’t know. i got a whim up my butt this morning and decided to go for it. i have written a million blog posts in my head over the past year, but i simply didn’t have the energy to share it. i needed this year to be for myself and not to be splattered narcissistically on the internet like an open wound that would never heal. it seems i am ready to be a little egotistical again and indulge those who wish to read about my strange journey through life and creativity. i can’t promise i will be back here often, but we will just see how the cookie crumbles.

as for the future of 2015, it is already off to a great start. heading to hudson, ny next week for a job. two big sun + glory projects i will share soon, and- DUH DUH DON- it looks like i am moving back to LA. it only took 2 years and 2 months to figure out i should be right back where i started. frankly, there are a great many places i would like to move to – NYC, France, back to living in the mountains, but it seemed the smartest move financially, creatively, and socially, was to go home-for the time being. i still sometimes hope in the next two months something else will arise to take me on the next journey somewhere else, but i also think the second time around LA will be everything i always hoped it would be and was. the mountains await me for the future- this i know.  the fantasy was a reality and now a fantasy again, but patience is the key- desire a setback.

as for 2014, here is a little peek into the highlights.




Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.34.21 PMjanuary
– before going insane from the polar vortex, i spent a few weeks in LA visiting all my old buds and stomping grounds. i did a great photo shoot (see previous post)- which was also the last time i  blogged anything. i decided, while standing in the warmth of LA sunshine, i would move to chicago for a few months hoping to conjure up some work on a tv show pilot. looking back, i must have been desperate to move forward and slightly crazy while doing so.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.36.29 PMfebruary– february i spent dieting and exercising and watching the olympics while trying to fight polar vortex depression. the dieting and exercise didn’t seem to do much for my waist line. the paleo diet might be bullshit, but i totally fell for it.  i also went to chicago to look for a place to live. it snowed a lot.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.36.58 PMmarch– i moved to chicago and it was not warm. i found a sublease for 3 months to far north to really enjoy the city and was pretty much trapped inside the apartment working on sun + glory pieces and searching for production jobs.  i turned down a costume design position on an indie film because the pay was bad and knew it would be unorganized. pretty sure that was the worst decision i made all year- but hey, one should learn from their mistakes!  my biggest outings were taking wylie to the dog beach on lake michigan which was frozen over until april and hitting up the grocery store. it was exhilarating.  i have two BFF’s in chicago, so there were sparatic outings, but i was pretty bored…and cold. very cold. like brutally, i don’t want to do anything cold.  i also binge watched true detective, brooklyn nine nine, and broad city. i told you i was well versed in modern programming.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.37.43 PMapril– i turned 34 in april and was miserably depressed on the day of. that sunday afternoon of april 6,2014  i ate a large helping of stinky cheese and bread, a bottle of beautiful champagne gifted to me, and half a tub of talenti ice cream (have you  had that stuff? it is amazing). let’s just say my stomach hurt real real bad. it was a waste of a good bottle of bubbly.  i am pretty sure i cried myself to sleep because more people were having fun on instagram on my birthday than i was, and though i laugh about it now- i plan to completely ignore any birthdays moving forward. unless, of course someone wants to fly me to paris or throw me an amazing surprise party (dear friends- please take note here 🙂 ).  in april, i also drove to see my old childhood home in indiana. it is only about an hour from chicago.  i was filled with a lot of nostalgia and happiness about my childhood and how lucky we were. it was a fun solo adventure, like all my adventures. thank god for wylie dog.  at the end of  april, i  almost drove out to new mexico to look at this property/farm house/ art gallery that was my dream place. i was so ready to do it, and then the owner basically said he wouldn’t rent to me because i was a single girl and it was too much work for me alone. thank you, sir, for reminding me i am single and nothing without a man by my side.

i also became obsessed with the cosmos and brought it up in every conversation possible. it turns out, realizing i am but a speck of dust in the entire universe was just the motivation i needed to feel totally insignificant . it took all the pressure off in the best possible way. i am but a human with a small time frame on this glorious earth and i am gonna live it while gracefully purging my ego and finding the simplest of things to be happy about. i spent a whole year in therapy and i simply could have solved my egotistical problems with an hour of neil degraase tyson explaining the timeline and history of earth. thank you carl sagan and neil degrasse tyson, you changed my life at the cost of $7.99 for huluplus monthly subscription. To think all the money i could have saved.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.38.43 PM Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.39.17 PMmay– chicago is finally de-thawing and i am starting to feel human again. i went on a date for the first time in like a year. it was kind of fun and it went no where. i have let that ship sail anyway-relationships.  the best one i will ever have is with myself anyhow. and as it turns out, thanks to modern technology ladies, you don’t actually need a man to have a baby. so, i have my own j-lo back up plan in place.  the rest of may i head out to NYC to sell my goods at renegade craft fair, work on a photo shoot, and overall fun extravangaza of subway riding and eating. i love NYC. at the end of may i pack up an apartment for the 3rd time.  in less than 9 months.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 2.06.08 PMjune– i moved out of my sublease apartment in chicago having certainly not giving it enough time, but also knowing i never want to live in chicago. i leave as fast as i can. i decide to spend the summer at my parents to have more family time and tell myself i will move in the fall. Turns out that was just an excuse to lay by the pool all summer.  the rest of june was spent working on wholesale orders and swimming in my parents pool listening to the outfield trying to get a midwest tan.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 2.09.08 PMjuly– beginning of july was spent in estes park, colorado with my entire family.  all 17 of us stayed in a large house on the same river that washed away my cabin, just at a higher altitude. it was a beautiful week spent with family, elk practically on our front porch, and hikes in the mountains. i love COLORADO. i went back to see the remains of the cabin property, it still leaves me breathless.  at the end of july i drove to indianapolis to see my best friend from my childhood and her family. it was a great weekend of love. I also took another trip to chicago to see beck play at pitchfork. I felt really old amongst all the twenty somethings. It was a great show. I also took a little side trip to indiana’s amish country with one of my best friends, her brother, and their grandma. Amish country was on her bucket list. It was a bit of a disaster this trip, but we laughed our asses off while grandma slept in the front seat and we looked and looked for the amish people. On the way back to chicago grandma bought us all ice cream cones from mcdonalds. It was one of the best days and the most i laughed all summer bring how random it all was.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.41.15 PMaugust- i went to a holistic doctor to see if they can explain to me why i gained weight and can’t loose it, besides the obvious -you eat too much. who is looking for logical answers at a time like this? turns out though, i am allergic to walnuts, i have a little bit of candida and leaky gut syndrome. i get a schlew of herbs and am suppose to follow and anti-candida diet, however, i simply half- ass it. the pills and half- ass diet do help though. august also brought me to back to colorado for another job. you can check it out here. i drove out, worked, drove back. at this point, traveling is wearing on me not to mention my friends and their spare bedrooms or couches. then i flew to LA. this trip i was housesitting and tried to spend more time with myself rather than running all around to hang out with everyone- even though i still did.  i did lots of hiking, saw sylvan esso play (which became my summer soundtrack),made to sure to order indian food, and went to disneyland amongst other adventures. it was a good trip in a drought ridden city.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.41.33 PMScreen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.41.49 PMseptember– i came back to missouri to rain- which frankly, felt strange after being in LA. colorado called me out once again to do some more commercials for papa johns. i got to meet peyton manning and joe montana, which was pretty cool, even though i care nothing about football. i got one day to play and i went hiking to see the aspens changing. it was a memorable day. at this point i was sure i would have made a decision on where to move, but, yet, i have not. i decide to stick it out till the holidays. because september is practically november anyways.

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Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.43.08 PMScreen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.43.43 PMScreen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.44.02 PMoctober
– was a busy one! i went back to indianapolis to see my sara again. we went back to IU to spend the day reminicising our collegiate days (not only were we neighbors growing up, but we were freshman roomies) and to eat as much ranch dressing on everything we could. oh, and drink beer. we talked about the days gone by and how old we are now. we also went to this cool place called conner prairie with her kids. i thought it was the coolest thing ever. i totally want to live on a farm. one day i will, i promise.

october also brought one of the best trips of the year. one my dearest and oldest friends from LA was getting married- and in nantucket, ma.  i had never traveled north of NYC, so it was an exciting adventure. i would not fly the small planes from boston to the island so i- took two flights to get to boston, a bus ride to hyannis and a ferry to nantucket. a few cabs in there as well, a few xanex, and a lobster roll. nantucket was magical and it was such a fun and special weekend with some of my most beloved friends. i ate a lot of lobster and became obsessed with oysters again. from there i headed back to NYC and spent some more time eating and walking around. i went up in the empire state building like a good old fashioned tourist. i had some sun + glory meetings.  i went to philly to see an old college friend whom just had a baby boy. we fell in love, the baby and i that is. i had never been to philly either, so that was a fun little treat and it is always fun to see your friends as momma’s!  i then headed back to STL just in time for halloween. i dressed wylie up as a ballerina. i love my dog.



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-i start to take up yoga again and am obsessed with gaiam tv. i have also completely given up on my anti-candida diet. after all, the holidays were around the corner.  i headed back to NYC to do another renegade craft fair and work on a sun + glory project coming up. i rented a place on airbnb in bedstuy (brooklyn) and got a little taste of living in the big apple or brooklyn rather. i spent a lot of time on the subway carrying shit and ate a lot of egg and cheese sandwiches amongst an array of oysters and other delicious food. have i mentioned i LOVE NYC? i head back to STL for thanksgiving where i do absolutely nothing all weekend.

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.45.04 PMScreen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.45.17 PMScreen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.45.32 PMdecember– it is officially the holiday season. i decide that if i don’t just rip the band aid off and move somewhere- i will keep finding excuses. i decide LA is probably my best bet even though secretly i want to move to NYC. i head to chicago to do another renegade craft fair.  i eat more oysters and lobster at some of my favorite restaurants in chicago. i have a borderline obsession with oysters. i spent some quality time with my two bff’s there and am glad i decided to leave chicago back in may, it is still cold there. i head back to stl and finish up holiday orders and anxiously await the arrival of my brother’s family while i am make an exorbitant amounts of christmas cookies. we have a very merry christmas with the whole fam (minus one whom was sick and in the hospital- another story). i am terribly sad when they leave. new year’s ever i am in bed at 10pm with a virus. which is generally how i spend new year’s, but at least this year i have the excuse of the virus. i have decided to move my trip to LA to look for an apartment because i have a job in january and two projects i need to get done beginning of feb. it is just an other good excuse.

just kidding. i can’t gain another 10 lbs…it’s time for a fresh start! And i need to stop talking about food.

hopefully, this makes up for my lack of blogging in 2014 or maybe everyone has left the building.  it is amazing how fast time can escape you before you know it- it will be 2016.  though i poke much fun at myself, it has been a great year and i am so lucky to have amazing opportunities and love in my life. i also have now remembered why i don’t blog anymore, because it takes me like 3 hours to do a post. that is valuable time i could be using to binge watch- something.  happy new year!!!! i have missed you.

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back in january i spent some time in the drought ridden california that used to be my home. besides realizing i have yet to let go of my life there, i got to do this amazing shoot for sun and glory spring/summer 2014. my friend ashley noelle shot the whole thing for me, while my friend aja modeled for me. a friend of a friend came in to do the makeup and hair. this might be my favorite shoot to date! it was one of those days where i love what i do. i felt honored to have such amazing and talented people there to showcase their best.

check out the “odessa” line HERE

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dear blog, it’s me annie.

i have, undoubtingly, been ignoring the blog. i still seem to be getting followers daily (HELLO, new readers-don’t run away yet), and in turn feel guilty that i have little inspiration to produce any content.   i have several theories surrounding this, none of which seem worthy of too much explanation. yet, i also have some new ideas on the horizon, that is if i manifest them.

i have had many moments over the past month where i sincerely miss my life at the cabin. my connection to nature, being completely in the moment.  for a mere second, i start to ask myself why i left that incredible place and regret begins to shade my future. THEN, only then, i remember what happened, what would have happened if i had stayed.  the only thing i do know, and the only thing that helps me believe i am where i should be, is that if i had stayed, if i had lost everything- i would more than likely be exactly where i am now- living (let’s just say “staying” to boost my confidence) in my parents basement.

there are so many answers in my head, too many places i want to go. so, i came to the conclusion that nothing would be the right answer, until it just is. i miss LA deeply (which is confusing, but i suppose only natural) and thoughts of my life there feel as if it never happened. ten years go by in a flash and i am back where my life started, in the midwest. i find myself here daydreaming of an exciting life just as i did in my teenage years growing up in indiana. an ordinary life just isnt for me, though if i popped out some kids i could deal with a white picket fence.

i made this video through flipagram using instagram compiling all my favorite moments of the year. it really got me thinking on how incredibly wonderful the past year was. just when i was starting to think my life was boring, this little video reminded me of the amazing adventure i just endured. well, the amazing adventure life is and that tomorrow brings another day of brilliance! it was truly a scenic year of beauty, travel,self reflection and love, and so much love and friendship. i accomplished some of my favorite work to date both with styling and my line of goods. i am one lucky gal even when i think i am not!

song credit: jenny o.- auto mechanic

IMG_6917fall is magic.  as it is beginning to disappear, i thought i would share some photos from my fall adventures. it was the first complete fall i have experienced in over 10 years. things don’t really change in LA being there are only two seasons there- sun and rain. there are moments when i miss the cali sunshine,but this year i relished in the changing leaves and brisk air.  i started seeing spurts of it when i was in olympia, washington. i was hoping for a little more while in NYC, but when i got to colorado for work it was starting to ooze with yellow and orange. when i got back to my family’s home end of october the color was so intense i couldn’t help but to be filled with excitement. it was totally unexpected. my parents said it isn’t normally this colorful- i got lucky. as if, mother nature was making it beautiful just for me.

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i was/am missing fresh air, the mountains, the city, and inspiration being in suburbia, and i decided to do some exploring here in missouri. i ventured on a hike to the lewis and clark trail. i stood on top of a ravine, overlooking the missouri river. she is vast, she is large…not like my little big thompson river in colorado. i couldn’t get to close to the edge or i felt a little dizzy. i kept walking unsure of where i was exactly on the trail, asking along the way with the few people i saw. every time i felt like i was going to wrong way or wanted to turn around for fear i was on the 8 mile hike vs. the 5 mile hike, i would be completely taken away by the scenery. it would stop my fretting and it was those moments that taught me to be in the present on that hike and everyday. even if wylie got 3 ticks and i was covered in stickers to the point i had to give him a homemade hair cut- it was worth every second.

it was amazing how the terrain would change every twist and turn. the colors of the leaves too. as if i was stumbling across different villages, villages of trees.

IMG_6891 IMG_6866 IMG_6851 IMG_6890 IMG_6846between olympia,colorado, NYC, denver, missouri, and chicago- i got my dose of fall in. i even helped my dear friend rake leaves outside her house in chitown. that smell of crunchy and wet leaves. raking them all up into one big pile- i love it. the color, the rain, the leaves- it is exactly how i remember those midwest falls growing up. it all makes me believe in magic.
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IMG_6590i spent the beginning of october in NYC, falling deeply and madly in love- or as one of my friends put it “caught between the moon and new york city”. perhaps, it was the joy of being in the most lively city in the world after spending months in mere solitude. or perhaps i just love NY. i have been to manhattan a gazillion times, but this trip, this trip was special.  no particular reason other than the amount of inspiration i inhaled. i didn’t even realize how much i needed that. i had to cut my east coast trip short and head back to colorado for some production jobs. it felt good to be incredibly busy and constantly on the go. though, i couldn’t wait to get back to see my pup and take a rest, but as soon i did just that i crashed and burned and am still recovering. i seem to be following fall around the country. i was extra excited to see autumn in ny, but she had yet to fully show her colors. colorado was insanely beautiful though and we even did some shooting in a small mining town, so i got to travel within my travels.

but new york, lets talk new york. the walking, the food, the subway, the spontaneity, the food, the fashion, the people, the food. did i mention the food? i stayed at a friend’s loft in williamsburg to shoot her holiday lookbook (which i will post when we release). she had to go out of town for work… so, i got to play “new yorker” living in a loft and dressing up in many of my clothes i buy with intention to wear, but never do. i didn’t take a cab once except to and from la guardia, it was subway all the way and lots and lots of walking. though my feet killed me all week and i still have remnants of blisters, it was liberating.  i spent the week shooting and styling during the day in the loft and meeting up with friends at night around the city and brooklyn.  at first, i was overwhelmed with the amount of hipsterness of williamsburg, but by the end of my trip i was loving it. it has been so long since i felt inspired by fashion and clothes, i had so much fun picking out a cute outfit everyday-even if i was just going to get coffee. i can’t say i felt comfortable going to the store in a long lace dress in colorado- but in new york- anything is possible and acceptable.

i have always wanted to live in ny, but never did it because of the “complications”. the time is feeling right i must admit.  well, it is a possibility anyway-one i can’t stop thinking about. what is my life without chances and experiences? it is what my heart desires. i realized as i was leaving ny for colorado that i don’t fall foolishly in love with boys anymore- but rather places. maybe it is an infatuation, but those are the most fun anyway aren’t they?

IMG_6626IMG_6545IMG_6482manhattan- my first love. alive and full of energy. i had dinner one night with an old friend and we talked of my colorado adventure and his life in ny. he said someone once told him that the people of new york are the nature, the botany. it might be a concrete jungle, but we are animals and the humans bring the life to the city. it is so true! people come to new york because they want to be inspired by others-to work with others. that whole new yorkers are rude thing- i just dont believe it. i encountered so many nice people and conversations just at a coffee shop, and slowly my intimidation of coming off a mountain adventure and into a big city dwindled. you don’t get that in LA. everyone seems miserable in california or LA, i never felt warm fuzzy feelings going to get a cup of coffee- i felt judged.

there is one spot i always hit up for a dosa in soho. a friend took me here years ago and it has been my tradition ever since to go at least once. hampton chutney company. i get the #6 with chicken, cilantro chutney, and an iced chai.there are a gazillion restaurants in manhattan and i can say i have only ever had a few bad meals. i have expanded my horizons over the decade of visiting from little italy to searching out the hippest of small joints. there are many websites to help you find the best restaurants of the moment.

it so happened while i was visiting two of my friends from LA were also in NY. it made the first few days full of random adventures and moments. that’s the thing about new york- you can turn a corner and your next hour is spent doing something totally unexpected. almost every night i came into the city from brooklyn and met up with a friend. (all of whom are very old friends!) one of my girls in ny is a broadway actor/dancer- i use to drive her to school back in alabama. she took me to sardi’s (if you have seen the muppets take manhattan you know this restaurant!) and at one point during our visit we were walking around times square to only stumble upon my morning jacket playing a free concert. another highschool friend of mine and i went to see our other friend’s show on broadway. it was my first broadway show.

i sat in line for 30 minutes to try shake shack. i saw ” something borrowed” one to many times, and plus i had to compare to in and out. it was pretty good. i could eat it right now in fact. you can’t really compare to in and out though. you just can’t. i did have a run in with a squirrel while trying to eat my shake shack. this little shit wouldn’t leave me alone. he tried to get in my purse and even followed me down about 10 benches. he ruined my experience all for the hopes he was going to get a french fry.

my last saturday in ny i decided to take the ferry from williamsburg to 34th street. i then took the subway to 77th street and walked to the park. i walked north to the jackie o reservoir and then all the way back down to 59th street. it was a beautiful day in the city. the park was crowded and the leaves were crunchy, though the colors were just starting to peak through. my feet hurt bad, but i took my time and sat on benches or laid in the grass- people watching all the while. it was awesome.
IMG_6622PicMonkey CollaggeIMG_6469IMG_6638IMG_6637IMG_6584PicMonkey Collagjhewilliamsburg is full of every current trend that is good. clothes, food, bars,and lifestyle. the weekends on those sidewalks feel something like the halls of highschool, but with hipster 20 somethings and young thirty-forty something families. i got the chance to try many little places in this epicenter of coolness. here is a list of some of my favs.

A. D.O.C. wine bar– this little wine bar/italian restaurant was my last pit stop. i stopped off just because and i had the most delicious pasta, house wine, and tiramisu!

B.Tiny Empire – another stop off on my way to the subway. this juice bar has so many options it is hard to decide.

C.The Shanti Shack– this yoga studio and cafe was delicious for such a small place. i am still thinking about the grilled cheese and have been making the nutter smoothies for breakfast the past few days (banana, spinach, coconut milk, almond butter)

D. Blue Bottle Coffee – drip coffee is where it is at. so is a buckwheat biscuit with ham, cheese, and chutney. holy shit- this was so much better than i ever could have imagined it to be.

E. Depanneur– this place was my staple because it was next door to the loft. i came here for coffee, breakfast, and pick me ups. such a cute shop. just cute.

F.Beautiful Dreamers– this shop is curated so well, and rightfully so as it is owned by a stylist.i dream of getting my work in here.

G.Mast Brothers Chocolate– hipster willy wonka’s!

H.Brooklyn Flea– pretty comparable to fairfax flea market. with views of manhattan and the water. i also bought two pairs of clogs from Nina Z that i am in love with.

I. East River Ferry – if you are in manhattan and are looking to visit williamsburg, i suggest taking the ferry one way. great views of the city.

other places not on the map, but totally worth the visit:

Marlow & Sons– a little empire of food and drinks.

Taco Chulo– hands down delicious mexican.

Species by the Thousands– another epic store full of curiosities and mysticism

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i love the PNW…i really do. sometimes the gloom can get me down, but then the sun comes out and it feels like a gift. i have contemplated moving up here several times, and it is still in the running, though, i am no closer to really figuring it all out. i find so much inspiration and charm whenever i visit i want to bottle it all up.

i love the port towns, olympia being one of them, and i have had the chance to visit several of them. the vibe here is like out of a movie that takes place in a fishing town…except it is real. plaid shirts, rain boots, rustic work jackets, with a little bit of a hippy twist. the markets are insane here not to mention just popping into the local seafood market for some fresh fish. everywhere you go the landscape is lush and a dampness is always present. my hair has been so soft, i barely have to brush the knots out.

most of my time has been spent taking care of my niece and nephew and helping out my sister in law…since, my brother broke his leg 5 days into my visit. for their sake, i came at the perfect time to help, until i caught the illness the kids were carrying around. every once in a while i have escaped to the farmers market, or for a hike, or a walk around the cute downtown shops. even this small town has coffee shops comparable to the big cities. they are serious about their coffee here, and frankly, i appreciate that.

i ate some of the best tomatoes from the farmers market that i have had all summer. the market is my favorite here and is open everyday in season. i love finding treasures like the moss collection my bro has been keeping for his work in the garage. i even found some dram’s bitters at a local boutique. they are a small adorable company from colorado and was hoping to make it there before i left and didn’t. i bought the sampler and have been obsessed dropping it in everything the past two days: tea, smoothies, soups. it aids in digestion and they add such a depth of flavor. it has been a few weeks of rainbows, rain, naps, and muddy hikes. fall is in full affect here and it inspires me to take a little picnic on a hike in this cute outfit and adorable accessories! fallPNW

1. TOPSHOP toggle coat – i have been daydreaming of toggles lately

2. TOPSHOP pork pie hat

3. MADEWELL plaid flannel

4. NO. 6 clog boots

5. DRAM APOTHECARY bitters- currently, obsessed 100%

6. STANLEY thermos from WEST ELM – perfect for a picnic with soup or hot chocolate. add some of your dram bitters to the mix.

7. FILSON field tote

8. EDIBLE AND MEDICINAL PLANTS OF THE WEST

9. BREAD KEEPER – for that picnicphoto 2 photo 4 photo 1 photo 3 photo 4 photo 3 photo 1 photo 2 photo 1 photo 3photo 4

photolast night i was told that my cabin on the river is gone, wiped out by the colorado flood. my neighbor said there is nothing there to even see anymore. my neighbors have lost everything. the neighborhood i have shared for months here on the blog is under water. the owner of the ranch has been in contact with my landlord, and i read on their facebook page that all the horses and critters are safe. so far, they have only lost one horse. the place i so warmly have talked about, the place where i healed my soul, is a disaster. even if she was always housing bugs and spiders. even if there were things that were not as convenient as city living, i loved living there.

i am in a state of shock, i can’t stop crying, i couldn’t sleep last night. in fact, i couldn’t really sleep all week. it has been such a strange 5 days. monday, i woke up with the sunshine and did some errands. i came home to find that wylie dog had gotten into the grapes i had harvested from the front yard. all i have heard lately is don’t give dogs grapes. i rushed him to the emergency vet unsure if he had consumed one, two, twenty, or none. the vet suggested he stay the night to be on fluids to flush anything out, as grapes can be deadly to dogs. i left the cabin on the way to the vet with a huge storm hanging over the mountains. by the time i left the vet it was pouring. that evening, though i was a mess about my boy, the neighbors were making me dinner. i decided the best thing to do was to go have a good time and get my mind off wylie. there were two couples that lived across the river from me and we often hung out drinking wine on their river beaches, my landlord too. needless to say they became my friends and my social outlet there on the river.

it wasn’t uncommon to discuss the flood that happened here in 1976. it killed over a 140 people, and there were signs all over the neighborhood cautioning flood- climb up, not out. my parents were the first to tell me about it. i never actually thought it could happen again. we are too sophisticated and smart now, right? i thought it was impossible. plus, how could it happen to us? looking back, the word flood came up too often.

to give you an idea of how bad this is. back in 1976 my neighbors knew the water was 4 feet deep in their house. today, the water was to the roof. thats at least over 9 feet. it swelled enough to take out my cabin which sat above the river at least 10 feet, yet it still swallowed it. my neighbor said my garden is still there, the tomatos still turning red.

we sat under a terrace monday night eating ribs, drinking wine, laughing and sharing stories. the rain was like a blanket, we actually kind of enjoyed it. the thunder started just as the sun was going down. it was such a fun evening and i was happy to have met these wonderful people, and i was sad i was leaving. that night, i couldn’t sleep. wylie wasn’t in bed with me, the movers were coming the next morning, and the rain danced on the roof. every time i woke up the sound of rain was soothing, yet something felt strange and eerie even then.

i got word in the morning that wylie would be fine and i could pick him up later that day. the clouds still hung low, it felt like a day in the PNW. the movers moved everything out and we went to the storage unit where again i heard the word flood. “what kind of flood insurance do you want to have for your storage unit?”

i picked up wylie and went back to the cabin to finish cleaning and packing the car. i had a junk removal service come pick up my couch, the driver mentioned how high the river was. i had noticed too how much it was rushing, but thought it was normal considering all the rain. i gave my new neighbor that had just moved in a few weeks prior a bunch of stuff from our fridge. we had recently had many conversations about our life experiences, why we both wanted to live in a cabin- i was bummed i wasn’t staying longer to get to know her. her house is gone now too, and i was told her cats were in the cabin.

that night i spent the night at my neighbors across the river. they made me dinner, a bass they caught on their most recent camping trip. we ate inside, because it was still raining. i was curious if this weather was normal. i asked laura to see her wedding album, i wanted to see their lives in a little more detail. that night i slept better, but the rain still fell. we woke up and had breakfast together. all week and even that morning laura kept trying to convince me to stay. i wanted too, but everything was settled so, i said my goodbyes i went back to the cabin to gather up the rest of my things and finish up the small details. the weather was so gloomy and wet. it didn’t seem or feel like the colorado i had come to know. i was annoyed to pack up the car in the rain, my sandals still have mud on them. i was annoyed that i had already mopped the kitchen floor 3 times. i got in the car and as i drove off i felt distant from this place. normally, i look at every detail, i get sentimental about every little thing. i look around to soak in all the memories…this time…i just left. i wanted to get out of that rain, even if i was driving to washington, where rain is normal. something didn’t feel quite right, but i didn’t even know it. i thought it was just sadness about leaving and i was simply avoiding my feelings.

i drove north on I-25 in heavy rain for over 2 hours. i contemplated turning around because i HATE driving in heavy rain. i get anxious. i kept going powering through. the rain finally let up a few hours outside yellowstone. i arrived to my little lodge and had a big glass of wine. the next morning i woke up early to hit the park. cell service was shotty, but about an hour in i got a text from my neighbor that they were in flood conditions. again, i took it lightly, thinking it was maybe a few inches of water. by that evening i had a conversation with laura and she explained it was bad. friday morning i woke up and couldn’t stop thinking about my neighbors, about how i wasn’t there. how did i miss this? by the time i arrived at my brothers in olympia, washington i got news that my neighbors lost everything, that my cabin was gone. it’s just gone. The water is up to the roof on both my neighbors houses. The river is 5 times wider.

i do not think luck is something you have, i think it is something that just happens. i don’t believe in fate really, i don’t even believe in god, as an individual being anyway. because why would god save me and not the others ?it was pure quincidance. i missed the start of the flood by 24hours. just 24 hours. i was paying rent until the 15th, and since i had made that arrangement, i still wanted to move out before for some reason. i was a bit anxious to get going, even if i was sad to leave. i had decided to have the movers come on the 10th because 1. i was superstitious about moving on on september 11th 2. i wanted to make it to my brother’s by friday to spend the weekend there. there are so many what if’s. what if i had extended the lease another 6 months? what if i had stayed until the 15th? what if i had stayed till the end of the month. back in beginning of august, i would have done so in a heart beat, but as time went on and i started packing, i wanted to just rip the band aid off.

i put my stuff in storage and it had me thinking lately about what all our stuff is. possessions. what not. are they necessary for our happiness? i was glad to be rid of it all for a bit. to live simply. i think that is strange i was thinking this way now. some stuff is just stuff, but some of it precious memories. all of it money and time. it is not something anyone can take lightly and i certainly dont anymore. I admit i have tried to imagine if i had still been there, if i had to evacuate, what i would take. how would i be feeling now, how would i handle it? i guess now i know my decision was the right one. either way i would have no place to live.

i can’t completely explain my emotions right now. i am sad, i am in shock, my eyes hurt from crying. my heart breaks for my friends and neighborhood. it is just all gone. all gone. it is a surreal feeling. there are moments when i know i am fine, everything is ok. there are moments i just want to cry again in shock of the reality of how close i came to being there, how my friends have to start there lives over. how the road up to estes park is pretty much gone and the death toll may continue to rise. everything feels like a different world now, that little piece of heaven for me- it feels like a dream. the beginning and the end. as if i was never there.

please keep all the people of colorado devastated by this flood in your thoughts.

Ribbet collagethe photo on the right is looking over the bridge to my neighbors. well, there once was a bridge there under that pile.

the second photo is an arial view of the property and the dam. that big swell is where my cabin and the neighbors once were.

 

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I just received these photos last night. One is my garden. The other cabin sat where the river now is. The other photo is of my parking spot. My cabin was just to the left of the spot and those bushes.