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PicMonkey Collage

during my trip in LA, i stayed in hollywood with my friends sean and kate. they live in the hollywood tower ( hollywood tower of terror at disney is modeled after this building). my dearest stacy and allan live across the street. one morning, i met stacy on the corner of franklin and argyle and we walked straight up into the hollywood hills. stacy was taking me on a walking tour of her neighborhood. her and allan, her husband, discovered the gem of a neighborhood right out there front door from a walking tour guide of LA. turned out they were amongst charlie chaplin’s old stomping grounds. sometimes we get caught up in our worlds and forget the history we are standing on. i was more than delighted to be a tourist in “my” city and with one of my favorite people as my tour guide!

it was one of those gloomy LA mornings, but to me coming from winter wonderland, what once would have been daunting, became delightful. it was warm, it was green, it smelled of exotic flowers and plants.

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the first stop, stacy showed me a little yoga temple just a few blocks up the street. nestled in a neighborhood, this beautiful,worldly building sets itself off from the rest complete with a bookstore. the blooms taking place had me in awe. i forgot how exotic and exciting the vegetation is in so cal. ( i really need spring to bloom in CO). although, most of what you see is probably not native, the sheer fact that so many different species of plants can thrive in this environment is a blessing.PicMonkey Collagek PicMonkey Collagezr

there are castles, wood doors, and breathtaking views all along the way. i can’t help but to wonder who lives in these houses. or who use to. what do they do? and how do i live in one?PicMonkey Collagelggf

on the tour we come across two of charlie chaplin’s dwellings. the photo above on the left is now an apartment complex, but was once his apartment. the house on the right was his house, or better – his mansion. the stories stacy would tell along the way of different old hollywood actors living in these dwellings gave me this whole different perspective of LA. being such a new city in relation to the east coast, any history i find even more fascinating. i love movies and photos of LA when it was first developing or when neighborhoods were completely different landscapes.  i tried to imagine these hills when they weren’t filled with a gazllion houses, when it might have been peaceful. i often think about old hollywood or what it was like when it was starting up. was it as cut throat? was it as egotistical? who were the starlets and the struggling actors? and who were the people behind the scenes?PicMonkey Collagetfxt

i think the most interesting part of the tour for me was the krotona portion. stacy knew a whole lot of details on the era.  krotona is a theosophical ” colony that began in 1912. a utopian oasis where practitioners hoped to ” study philosophy, appreciate nature, celebrate performance and otherwise live a fuller life — all in the Hollywood Hills.”  the cheap, paradise land below what is now the hollywood sign (and a million dollars for a one bedroom), began a colony. it was finished in 1919. the colony later moved to Ojai in the 20’s as to escape the hollywoodism and growing communities that were infringing on the utopia and is still there today. The photos above are a few of the buildings from the Krotona colony. This is a good article to read for a bit more in-depth info.

somehow i identified with these people. desiring a simple utopia in the beauty of southern california. maybe i should have moved to ojai! 🙂PicMonkey Collaged7td IMG_2802

i love how on any given street in LA the houses can be different. spanish, modern, traditional, craftsman.  especially in the hills. occasionally, you will find these story book houses that look like snow white will be popping her head out at any given moment singing to the birds. PicMonkey Collagecyy PicMonkey Collagegcitu

just some more random buildings and architecture. the photo above on the right embodies a house where there a pianist lives and never leaves. the house is decorated with characters outside (hard to see in the photo). and you can’t help but to wonder what kind of stories this pianist could tell.

i wish i would have recorded stacy giving the tour. she did such a good job. if you take a trip to LA, my advice, skip the star tours, beverly hills, and the grauman theater. find a walking tour guide of LA. you will discover and learn more about LA than you thought ever existed. i still am! it is a magical city and i fell in love with it in a new way again. PicMonkey Collagecty

 

below are just a few snapshots of the inside of kate and sean’s lobby and from their roof. on my birthday we relaxed in the sun on this roof, drinking a few beers, talking of life, hollywood, and what is next to come for us all.

being in middle america now and then traveling from NYC to LA- the vast difference is amazing. these cities are magnificent and filled with so much life.
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i use to do a lot of hiking in LA. i hiked up the observatory several times a week when i lived in that hood. griffith park smells glorious in the spring and i longed for the old days. i realized on this hike the things i have taken for granted. the things i forgot to cherish. why must we only see it after it is gone? PicMonkey Collage

 

my trip to LA, as i knew it would, left me a bit confused. the city seemed different to me on this trip and i loved her in a whole new way. i have this relationship with LA, as if LA was my significant other. sure, i was probably glamorizing it again and remembering back to my dreams of wanting to move there. it was spring in LA (it starts early there). everything was in full bloom and green! (come august, it will be brown again.)  i forgot how magical and golden that sun was, and it surpassed any memory i did have. i forgot how luxurious the weather really is. i realized, how much i took for granted all the amazing things about that city. even driving didn’t feel as daunting.  funny how only 6 months away changed that place for me. lesson learned: enjoy the place you live as if you are a tourist everyday!

i still can’t say if i will go back. sometimes i want to, sometimes it feels silly to do it over again. my trip back in may i think will be another good lesson, and i can’t wait to spend more time there again.

i can say i am proud i was an angeleno…and after giving it ten years i think i can still call myself one.

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PicMonkey Collage

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i came home saturday night, after a long and generous stay at my parents house, to a little bit of snow on the ground and very low temperatures, but i welcomed it.  somehow it made it less daunting without little lola to snuggle with and made this adventure exciting again.  i have always loved intense weather. thunderstorms, strong wind, snowstorms. there is something exciting and yet cozy, being safe inside. a change in weather is something different to an ordinary day. kind of funny i lived in LA for 10 years where the weather changes as often as i go to the gyno. honestly, as much as i miss that california sunshine now, i always missed seasons like crazy. time never felt real there.

wylie and i walked around the property to take a few photos yesterday morning. the horses were out and about feeding in different pasturers and the afternoon brought another little snow drizzle. this morning i woke up at 6 am to a whopping 1 degree outside, still dark out, and ice on the windows. i was laying in bed overwhelmed with all the things i want to do and accomplish this year and in my life.

deep breath, i need to learn to take baby steps. i think i just found one of my new years resolutions.

well, guys. i did it. i moved. although, sometimes i feel like i may just be on one of my weekend adventures, day by day i slowly start realizing this is my new home. especially, since all my shit is in this house. (which, will be posted about as soon as it all comes together!) i am living in a mix of country and suburbia…just more on the country side. i am not a huge fan of strip malls and fast food, but it seems that is to be my life for a bit. besides my friends, good restaurants seem to be my biggest grievance yet. it is going to take some research and work to find the good places, probably traveling to denver and boulder to find it. even then, i am not fully convinced yet. i am a food snob. although, a starbucks drive thru aint half bad!  what i can say though, is that it is beautiful here. the people are NICE, the men are handsome. did i mention the people are nice? because they are! hopefully, we can stay tuned for the “the men are handsome” part! wink wink!

sure, there have already been a few moments where i want to completely panic when i start to get the slightest bit lonely. i have to talk myself out of it and remember why i did this, and try to concentrate on the projects ahead. thank god for the two friends i do have here! my friend natalie came up for the day yesterday and we took a little walk in the “neighborhood”. i live next door to a saddle ranch. literally, next door. i can see the horses from my living room. i caught wylie shaking to the bone the other day when he heard them naying! poor guy, he is such a street dog.  it really hasn’t been that cold yet, but just enough to run the fireplace …everyday.  i open my back door,when the fireplace gets a little too hot,  to hear rushing water from the river. the leaves are crunchy, the coyotes are howling, and the coziness of it all is not forsaken.

we took a walk down the road which apparently, becomes private property once the road turns into gravel. we ran into the owner of the ranch no our way back, and she sure seems to run a tight ship! oops! so,basically the photos above are trespassing photos. it was worth it though, to see what is just down the road and up the hill. this rustic pasture and stable just sitting up there wanting to be gawked at. sometimes, the best ideas come from turning that corner or going over that hill.

there are so many beautiful and rustic things around the property. below are photos from around my yard and road. i can only imagine what this place looks like in the spring, or when it SNOWS!!!!

there are so many things i can’t wait to explore in the area and share with you all. there are many adventures ahead, much reflection, and new beginnings.

 

sooooooooo… i did it. i signed a lease in colorado, and this is my new home. i am excited, nervous, confused, sentimental, and excited all over again. how did i get to this place?, i have now been asking myself. it has finally hit me what all this drive, complaining, and contemplation has done…it will change my life. well, for 6 months at least. i signed a six month lease, just in case it turns out i am not a country girl ( or i can’t find a job). i am looking at it like a 6 month adventure. i have daydreamed of living somewhere like this for a long time now. probably, since i was in college.

it is a charming property that sits on the big thompson river between estes park and loveland, colorado. the topography on the county road to get there is stunning. it reminds me of a cross between new mexico, utah, and colorado.  perfection.  there are three houses on the property so, i won’t be completely alone…and across the river live some very nice neighbors.the landlord is amazing, and the neighbor a handy man (probably good for a girl moving from LA to middle of nowhere!) the sweetest couple came over in their vintage 1930’s truck to say hello…and i fell in love with them immediately. i have a fireplace, a small room for my art, a river to fish in, a garden to plant in, a field for wylie to run in, the sounds of rushing water, and inspiration all around me. down the street is a gem & mineral store (i mean could that be any more perfect?), a shack of a coffee shop, a native american trading post,colorado cherry company, the dam store is a neighbor, and a saddle ranch that my dad has been dying to go to. i mean, as i am writing this, and realizing what my life is going to be by middle of november, well frankly, it feels surreal.

i have no idea what to expect, if my life will change, if i will feel different. if the things that i seek will come forth. i do know, this will be an adventure, it will be a challenge, it will probably be lonesome sometimes, i will miss my LA family so much.

will i make friends?

will i be living too far from the two i have there already? will wylie be happy? will i be happy? will i miss the city? will i be inspired?

 from talking to other friends though, these all seem like normal feelings.

but everyone better come and visit!!!!!!!

as i mentioned in my last post, i may or may not have illegally picked some california white sage on my adventure to ojai last week! once, i discovered it growing on my first day of hiking, i immediately began a hunt and a mission… to hoard as much as possible.  it was so fun to forage this beautiful treasure, and couldn’t help but to think of mushroom or truffle foragers. how fun to be on the search ending in an instant gratification of triumph! the prize is yours. kind of like thrift store shopping! i have always felt this sense of peaceful accomplishment when finding my most prized possessions in nature. some sort of natural instinct turned frivolous vs. survival? 🙂

california white sage, only grows in southern california, but you can find it for sale in many places. there are other types of sage that are harvested and sold for the same purpose.  sage is used in many global indigenous practices to cleanse the body, the soul, sometimes tangibles,and mostly negative feelings. the sage can be burned taking the smoke cupped in ones hands and and rub or brush it over the body. when harvesting it is best to cut at the soft part of the stem, not the woodsy part. this will allow the plant grow two more branches the following year, otherwise it will grow none. traditionally, indigenous people would leave a gift like a piece of hair or a seed to honor the gift they have been given. if you wrap your own be sure to use cotton or hemp, other unnatural products will smell awful.

after doing some research on the internet, i have come across some negative feelings about the new age connotation of using sage amongst “rich white people”, or the misleading use of native american culture.  we are clearly currently seeing this in trendy clothing stores and boutiques. pendleton blankets are a commodity, even my jewelry line is inspired by native americans.  i couldn’t help but to ask if this is a shame for the native american culture? i can see where people might be taking advantage of such and not respecting the true context of the culture.  for me, it has always felt personal. i have always identified and extremely admired the indigenous tribal traditions of this land. as a child we were always taking trips to the mountains as a family. i would buy all the indian trinkets and children’s books. to this day i can remember vividly reading a story about a young boy sent out on a journey at the coming of age. the book was bought in jackson hole, wyoming and and am still on the hunt for it again (even scouring my parents basement). it inspired me so much as a child.  my mom loves to bring up how i am channeling our sioux ancestor. now, this was a long time ago, but we love to talk about it, much like we love to talk about being italian, even the small amount we are.  it is said that my dad’s uncle looked truly native american. this is when i wonder about past lives and the link to our ancestors. perhaps, this is where it begins for me subconsciously.

i do believe the founding fathers deeply wronged the natives to america, i do believe they suffer to this day and their cultures and lifestyle are badly badly bruised as a result of our ancestors. i do believe this is spiritually their land, unfortunately, like many things, violence won.   such beautiful traditions and beliefs destroyed and i hope that my love and inspiration only helps to keep it alive and perhaps help in the future through education and respect. check below for some links i have looked into for donating or volunteering.

PLANET YOUTH

RE-MEMBER

ST JOSEPHS INDIAN SCHOOL

the morning light is the most pungent light i get throughout the summer. on a clear day, i wake up to this bright energy urging me to start the day. it makes the house glow with life and i wish it would stay all day long. but the sun has it’s own way. by mid afternoon, the rays have left a raging heat, often 10 degrees hotter inside than outside.

lots of little projects in the works. working hard on my online store, a curiosity space post, and a road trip this weekend to joshua tree! not to mention the million and 5 other things i have on my list of things to do. when did time start going by so fast?

i spent $10 on this dragon fruit the other day at whole foods.  this is why i often run out of money. this thing is filled with color beyond your wildest imagination. i could stare at it for days. however, i was not all that impressed with the flavor.  funny isn’t it. i guess you can’t have the best of both worlds all the time?

i saw this movie last night celeste and jesse forever. it was super cute and funny and filmed in my own stopping grounds of LA.  i have to admit it made me nostalgic for my city, for my old life. the truth is, i don’t do the things i use to. i don’t utilize this city the way i use to. i don’t walk to the coffee shop anymore, i hardly ever eat out or go out, and even going to the movies seems like a treat when it use to be a weekly event. it seems to have lost it’s soul for me, and this movie made me miss that.

at the end of the movie, i turned to my friend and admitted this…and proceeded to say, this is like a break-up. then, it all made sense.  i love LA, but this city is like a boyfriend to me, the one you know is not right for you.  you love him, he can make  you feel good at times, there are so many good memories, and it is really really hard to let go even though you know you should.  the spark just isn’t there. you fight (or sit in traffic) and just can’t understand each other anymore.  some days the attraction is still there, other’s you can’t even stand to look at him.

 LA. it has been my companion for a long time now. ( in reality, just a few boyfriends in between and a WHOLE lot of weirdos). maybe i have tried to make it work for a long time now. maybe i haven’t tried hard enough.  some days i get excited about the future, others, i get really really scared.  this movie made me a little scared, to miss what i know. i realized i have a hard road ahead of me of letting go, changing, and leading down a new path. hopeful, that when one door shuts, another one opens.

thinking of my sister, julie, a lot right now. she is having some complications after giving birth. if you pray to a god, maybe you can say one!

remember when i did that post a while back, things i am afraid to tell you?  i am pretty sure i have been masking my true feelings on the blog once again and it makes me feel like a fake.  i have been so busy this summer, it was hard to stop and think, however, i do think i was often stopping to smell the roses, so, there is that at least.  the people that know me, know that i generally dish it all out. if i am feeling something, you will know it or maybe even see it in my eyes, mannerisms, tone of voice. all in all, i think it makes me a pretty intense person.  here on the blog it is easy to get lost documenting moments and never really getting to the core of how i really feel about these moments. without even realizing it, it becomes just the surface. maybe, sometimes this is ok, maybe, sometimes i just want to say it like it is. eventually, like i feel now, i wonder what truly is? this goes back to deleting myself off Facebook. do we all have an alternate world with social media?  i started to question posting anything on Facebook and now i kind of feel the same way about instagram. even to the point that i would and will post something and delete it within a few minutes because i start questioning my motives. if i wasn’t getting a certain amount of likes or response it controlled how i felt about my own life.  sometimes, i can feel this way on the blog. i keep getting new followers everyday…but no idea who really reads all of this. i compare my blog to others, others style, instead of celebrating my own. it takes effort to remind myself the way i create or see the world is okay, because it is my own. do i write and create this blog for myself or for others? i think it has become about both.  in a way, this blog helps guide me.

i do believe this is all part of the current path and process, though.  something is shifting, majorly shifting,has been for a LONG time, and it scares the shit out of me.  i feel like if i don’t change something, and soon, everything will stay the same. i feel like it has for many years now. i look at my job and i actually love it.  i look at my industry and i hate it.  i look at my house and i love it, i look at my lifestyle and know it can’t stay this way. my friends are my family here, yet i can’t stay for that either. so, what am i staying for? i think back to the ten years here and i am floored at the idea that i stuck it out that long. how the hell did i do it? how the hell did i move from indiana at 22 years old to los angeles, ca? how did i have the balls then? how do i  find them again?

i have all these urges lately. creative ones. impulsive ones. sometimes i feel like i could explode if i don’t get it out, but yet i know i am creating everyday.  so, what is it i am searching for? is it a desire to compete with the art around me? is it that i am searching for something to be proud of…something i create that feels pure? do i just have some sort of creative energy bottled up? have i not been true to myself? it seems there are always other things i must take care of before i can sit down and draw, make jewelry, paint, or just write.  pretty sure, that is my own fault. my own fault for putting others before myself. not prioritizing my own wants and needs.

i have this urge to connect with nature. to be one with it, to be guided by it.  i have the desire to grow food from the earth, to hack my way through the wilderness, to escape to a place where my obligations are of my own and hopefully one day, a family. work, create, live.  it scares me i feel this need for isolation.  will it come to 5 years down the road and i have collected 5 cats and so isolated i have no social skills left? this desire has been with me since i was a child.  until my neighbors moved in next door, i spent a lot of time playing by myself…outside. we had this small little wonderland of woods in our backyard and to this day i can feel the peaceful ora it created within myself.  nature was my companion. she made me feel part of something, something greater than just what was.  and then there was this part of  me that loved movies, fashion, and hollywood.  i wanted to be a part of it, to feel important, to be desirable.  i think within the first year of living here, i knew it was a sham.  yet, i stuck it out…for ego? to prove something to myself? and i still am fighting to let go of it.

a few weeks back at my friend’s wedding, i was talking with this guy about my desire to move to Colorado or New Mexico. he was funny and encouraging, and said he saw a book coming out of this, probably semi mocking my “eat pray love” desire! he also noted that people might not get my networking approach in Colorado. the hollywood, get ahead, what can you do for me approach? i was shocked and flattered at the same time because i never thought i had it in me, and have always attributed my lack of “success” with my inability to kiss ass and network.  i actually hate playing the game, and yet from an outsiders point of view, it seems i do everyday. in that moment, i realized there might be a person inside here that i hardly even recognize.  before i moved to LA, i was scared to call and order pizza. now, i am bitching out the pizza place if they are ten minutes late on delivery. so, if i have this ambition in me, why is the idea of a normal job daunting? am i lazy? am i stuck so much in creative thought that i am incapable of being that person? of being normal? i work hard, when i am passionate.  i certainly don’t mind the idea of moving and getting a simple job for a bit…that will only take me so far though. then what? what will i do, and is what we/i do who we are? or is it ego? i just can’t imagine getting up and not wanting to go to work. generally, with my work now, i hardly ever feel that way. it’s hard to walk away from that feeling, yet something just isn’t right.

i have this intense desire to always travel. no news here on the blog.  flying still scares me and i tend to get stressed out before a trip, but i still yearn for travel all the time. i ask myself, is the travel just about running away from something? from myself? an escape to never really committing to something or someone? my therapist(yep, my therapist) thinks i am the one who is scared to commit. to anything.  she attributes this to picking the wrong men, to a job that is freelance, to travel, to wanting to leave LA. isn’t ten years a big commitment? even if i have always had one foot out the door?  it seems unless i can overcome this fear of commitment, i could be stuck. yet, my desires have me daydreaming of nature, art, and love.  are we not encouraged to go after our dreams? LA certainly was a dream…one that i accomplished for the most part. it turned out, just okay.  so, is that what awaits me with nature, art, love? just for it to be okay? maybe. but i feel if i don’t try, how am i to know? if the opportunity(or question) is staring me in the face, how can i say no?

i have been too scared to say i am moving. on the blog, to people, to myself. scared, because what if i don’t do it? will i look like failure having let myself or others down? my desire to do something different is remarkable. my fear, is daunting…what waits on the other side? ideally, i want to rip the band aid off and just go for it. what am i waiting for? yet, timing proves to be an interesting scenario.  i keep pushing it back a few months. right now, i hope for november, but i still feel this fear of not committing to it, yet that drives me crazy because i just want to rip the band aid OFF. maybe it just doesn’t seem real because i can’t fathom what it will be like. is it just a fantasy and nothing with change, because i won’t have changed? or can the simple change of lifestyle, scenery, and dreams be enough to boost something in myself?  life sure is funny. here i sit scared about a life change that is my own choice. when there are others in the world, so incredibly less fortunate to even be in a position to make such a decision. i sure am spoiled…and lucky.

i want to thank donna g. and stacy for encouraging this post, without even knowing it. stacy writes with such intense emotional beauty it makes me float on air.  her writing is so real and genuine, with no limitations to just letting it all be out there. donna, has recently decided to start her own blog. she tried to assure me that it would be nothing like mine, as though i would be upset. truthfully, it fully inspired me. because if i know my girl donna, it will be full of heart felt realism with an intellect only few can aspire to. the girl knows what i am thinking before i even do! these two have souls that run deep, and my friendships with them always assure my own deep desires.

i ask a lot of questions in this post, not because i am looking for others to answer them…but in hopes to answer them myself. i tend to do this with people. i talk about my shit and then advice is given and then i get angry, because really i just needed someone to listen, not fix me. writing is therapeutic. putting it out in the world can be too. until an hour from now, after i have posted it and start questioning my need to let everyone know my bullshit.

but you know…it is just okay. because this is me. the dearest beast.

 big shout out to my sister julie and her husband david. they had a baby boy this morning. wesley david. he has the sweetest little face. i can’t wait to give him smooches!

thanks for reading!

let me just take this opportunity on a food post to rant.

life sure is funny…isn’t it? about a month ago i decided that i was really ready to leave LA.  i clearly hinted around to it on the blog, but i never wanted to come out and actually say it until i was completely ready.  something just felt done here. like, put a fork in me! i would drive around and still do, reminicising about the past ten years living here, the people i have met, the things i have accomplished or haven’t. and although i was sad at the idea of saying goodbye, it also feels very right. true, so to speak.  i feel full. i feel like i can say i gave it ten years… ten whole years of my life! i had a dream when i was a little girl to to move to LA…bright lights, big city.  and by golly, i did it! sometimes, i still feel like the 22 year old girl who moved here. sometimes, i feel like the old hag, single, living in a big city. i fear nothing will change if i stay. i fear it is a impossible to leave.

now, i dream and i want to drive on country roads. i want to be simple. i want to feel simple. i want out of this hollywood jungle.  i want to meet some guy whose priorities are not to be famous, rich, or important.  (not to say that is every guy in LA…but). most of all, i am ready for some NEW experiences.  of course, i would love for my life to be like a romantic comedy, and i move and i meet this guy who can cut wood with an axe and maybe he wears a cowboy hat, but honestly, when i imagine moving i imagine me, just me figuring something out. because i don’t think i have yet to figure out what i want to be when i grow up.

this is so cliche, but when i read eat pray love i was soooo ready to have my eat pray love moment. 6 months later i went to europe with a friend. i went to europe again last year, but it sure is expensive,and the trips were not a year’s worth of soul searching, ending in love. i don’t know how i would move to europe with no money, a dog, and a cat.  if you read my blog or you know me, you know i have a major amount of wanderlust.  now, does this stem from constantly trying to escape LA…or is that just who i have become? when i first spoke with my parents about my recent desire to move…my dad suggested i be a nomad, going off to try different places. i suppose his suggestion and approval of such an idea sparked something in me.  a few weeks ago i started daydreaming about being a nomad…maybe living in a camper driving around with wylie and lola. stopping off in different places around the country, seeing people i know, finding odd jobs to make money, and blogging about it.  i have said it before, but i am the happiest when traveling…free.  maybe it is escapism…maybe it is just me. maybe i would move to a small town and just itch for the big city. maybe i would move to a different city and just itch for a farm.  maybe this is my lot in life and my curse…wanderlust. and therefore my curse with love.  maybe, my dream of being simple is just that, a dream. maybe it will be the hardest thing to accomplish, because essentially i don’t know that i am, simple. i am not just a blueberry or a lemon. more like the ricotta leftover from the cheese.

i knew that when i felt in my heart it was time to go, something would road block me or force me to make a hard decision. i knew things would start picking up with work and opportunities, i would find a contentment of happiness,  or i would finally meet a guy in LA i actually wanted to date.  no dude here…but the opportunities have kept me mighty busy and will until the end of august.  now, this is great! right? yes, it is…but the ambitious part of me is afraid i won’t be able to walk away. or is this just a high point…will september roll around and it is back to the same struggles? i was talking with one of the loves of my life, donna, last night and she complimented me with being multi-talented. which is great, amazing! i love that! but i also have my foot in like 6 different doors…i don’t know which one i want or if i want any of them and it kind of drives me crazy. perhaps, the core of my desire to find simplicity. wardrobe has been my career for 10 years now, but i am not inspired anymore.  i started the necklace thing, and although i get a million compliments, the craft fairs haven’t really been a success…i need to take around to boutiques, but then all these other opportunities seems to take precedence over that. like traveling, wardrobe jobs(where i actually make the most money), catering gigs (which kind of came out of nowhere), party planning, picture taking, searching for a new medium, constantly in need of cleaning my house and car,  and the blog. the blog…where it all comes together.  it seems the blog has become my own personal journal…and journey.  hence, even this post. i mean, do people really want to read this shit? i don’t know, but i suppose it feels better to sometimes type it out and send it out there with no real idea of where it goes, who reads it, and what they think.

but i feel good despite my confusion on what it is i am suppose to do or be or where. a bit stressed at uncertainty, but good. i am riding the waves. for the first time in a long time, i feel like the world is my oyster again.

i guess my ranting kind of works out for this post because i have nothing really to say about gluten free blueberry and lemon ricotta muffins, except that i just wanted to make them!

2 cups of almond flour

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking soda

2 eggs

1/8 cup of coconut oil, melted

1/8 cup of ricotta

1/4 cup of honey

2 tbsp of sugar

1 cup of blueberries

zest and juice of one lemon

preheat the oven to 350degrees.

combine dry ingredients in a bowl. combine wet ingredients in a mixer. slowly incorporate the dry ingredients into the wet. scoop into a muffin tin ( i use an ice cream scoop). bake for about 20-25 minutes or until golden brown on top!